Not Technically

I have been on this  roller coaster lately that has tossed my fragile heart around like a rag doll.  No kidding, I've cried like a baby watching tv shows or over silly things.

At first, I blamed it on my husband traveling.  However, it wasn't as bad a normal.  I had a couple dear friends that made it so much easier this time. 

Then I realized it is all about Mother's Day, but not the usual way.

Everything has changed this year.  But that's not even it.  We made a trip back to visit my mother-in-law.  It was awkward and miserable and completely not enjoyable whatsoever.  It is probably one of the few remaining days we can celebrate her when she actually has some clue we are related to her.

I still have no mother to celebrate.  But that's not even it.  I have long come to the realization that God did not give me a mother to be celebrated.  I am just one of those people.  You know, the one whose mother is only deserving of a garage sale, coffee-stained, cracked mug that says "World's Worst Mom."

While I headed painfully into the card isle with my husband last night, a woman asked me why Hallmark didn't make "Mom-to-be" cards.  My response, "I'm sure they do, they have a card for everything!"  A few seconds later, I pointed her to the right area.  Happy to help!

As I scanned the cards, I found so many.  From Mother to Daughter.  From Husband to Wife.  Mother to be.  Like a Mother.  From Son to Mother.  To Sister from Brother.  Religious.  Funny.  Singing.  Sappy.  Sparkles.  Plain.  Money holder.  Yes, it was ALL there....almost.

You know what is missing?  Almost a Mother.  There is no card to acknowledge a woman who has tried and failed by no fault of her own.  Nothing to commiserate the countless mornings of puking only to never hear a babies cry.  Evidently, the only thing that makes you a mother is actually delivering a live baby who gets a name and thrives for at least a certain amount of time.  Going through all of the hope and promise of motherhood only to lose it all leaves nothing to be celebrated.

Yes, that is exactly what has been so hard this week.  For all that I have been through, all that I have done to become a mother, all of the failures....it's meaningless to the rest of the world.