Where do I start? I am overwhelmed with truth, stuff and what lies ahead.
A week ago, we got word that there was a huge push for my husband to move to Ohio for work. A little less optional than it had been in the past, but still not anything definitive. Yesterday, we found out that this was no longer optional. His current position is being eliminated and the only option is to move to Ohio. Still not having anything in writing, cause that's the point we know it's for real, we have lived in a bit of denial/emotional distance. Today it got super real! He met with HR and has details.
Laid out before us now are the details of how life is going to go, according to my husband's company. They are setting us up with relators in both places. My husband has to go find us temporary housing. There is a company who will be coming in our house over the next couple months and packing everything we own and moving it to another part of the country.
I'm not joking when I say that this is so overwhelming that I feel dizzy. In the words of a very dear friend, this just got real y'all.
Surprisingly, I have been the strong one over the past week. I've been the one pointing my husband to God. God is over it all. We will go where He directs and make clear for us. My husband has been the one devastated and emotional.
This will be the furthest he has ever been from his family. My husband needs to feel connected and loved. Despite my best efforts, I know I am not enough for him. To leave all he has known his entire life and the area he has lived in for nearly 20 years is gut wrenching for him.
Not until just now has the emotional side of this hit me. I've been so matter of fact and certain that God will take care of me here or there, that I haven't let myself think about the emotional side of it.
All my friends are here. I have some of the best friends ever! One of them I've known for 15 years, some of them less. It's taken a long time for me to get close to them and likewise for some of them. I've lived life with them. We've loved each other through good, bad, easy and hard. They are all here.
I have, at best, a strained relationship with my brother and his family. But, it is all I have in my family. It's fragile and slowly being rebuilt. In reality, it will be good for me to have a longer distance between the rest of my estranged family.
We finally found a church that we love! We have only been there since September, but feel at home. We feel like a part of family there. It's something we both have longed for and desparately needed. Neither one of us are ready to leave it.
Believe me, I know everything I have been saying to my husband for the past week is true. What is too big for us is never too big for God. There is certainly a reason for this. God has far bigger planned for us than we can even imagine.
There are so many details though. Outside of the big things, like the house, the small details seem so huge.
We are creatures of habit. We've had the same eye doctors/doctors/chiropractor/vet for 15 years. I've had the same counselor for 7 years. We've been with the same cell/phone/internet/television provider or some version of it for 15 years. I buy groceries at a combo of HyVee and Trader Joes. All those things will have to change. Some seem so trivial, but they all must change.
I know where everything is here. I have a routine. I know who to call depending on the problem I am having. I know the list of people to contact when I have great news.
I know the season changes and what to expect. I know what channel has the most accurate weather forcast and where the best alerts are for bad weather. I know what day the trash truck comes. I know where the closest and cheapest gas is located. I don't have to travel out of town for anything.
The area we are moving to doesn't have anything comparable. I've never been there. I don't know anything. I know nobody.
Realistically, we will have to drive an hour to get to anything. I know I will be ok, but what a change we are facing.
It's so hard for me to take it all in right now.
A few months ago, I had an anxiety filled breakdown. Why? There was nothing wrong. That was the problem. Things were about as good as they had ever been. I was anxious because I was waiting for the world to fall apart. I was anxious because my natural bent is to not live a life where things stay stable for long. Well, this isn't the end of the world, but this definitely rocks that stability quite a bit.
I know I will be ok, but I don't know how. I must keep reminding myself to hang on tight cause this new adventure is happening regardless of what I want or think.
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