Christmas Cards from Hell

Admittedly, today was a little stressful but I wasn't feeling overly depressed or anxious.  That is until I got home and opened the mail. 

Amid the ads and propaganda was a small Christmas card.  The return address from my hometown, which I understandably refer to as "Hell."  My heart pounding and tears filling my eyes, I opened the envelope. 

The envelope contained a small, innocent Christmas card.  "To wish you all the joys of a MERRY CHRISTMAS Season" was printed on the inside, followed by an impersonal signature..."Grandmother Grandfather H-----d.

Christmas cards from my family had tapered off over the past few years and last year, I received none.  This card reduced me to an angry mess almost immediately. 

It wasn't the cold, impersonal signature that made me angry.  This set of grandparents has never been overly loving or warm.  My grandma is an incredibly submissive wife to my overbearing, berating grandpa.  While I've never seen him be physically aggressive with her, I have seen him abuse her emotionally at family gatherings.  Not a huge stretch of the imagination considering what my dad is like.

Some of the past cards have included an invitation to Christmas dinner, but this one did not.  It is truly one of those cards you get knowing you are just on "the list."

What angered me was that stabbing reminder that I do have family members.  Even more aggravating was that their beloved first born child is the reason why I cannot have any contact with any of that family.  Their son! 

That ignites a whole string of thinking and emotions for me.  Do they know their son is the reason I cannot be near my family?  Why do they think it's been five years since they have seen their oldest grandchild?  Do they even wonder how life is for me, do they even care? 

Why have they never been loving or showed really any sense of genuine care for me?  They have grandchildren they have shown genuine interest in, but not in my brothers or myself.  Was that because my dad didn't allow them close to us?  My mom never liked them, but I never understood why.  Was it her that didn't allow them close?

It's easy to consider my hometown as a place similar to my perception of hell when I think about the evil I faced in my childhood.  The face of evil took several forms in my life, but notably in the face of my dad.  My dad who was the product of these two people.

Do they have any idea just how evil their own son is?  Do they have any clue about all the things he did to his children?  Do they know he beat his children, raped them, forced them into prostitution, forced drug use on them or haunt them as adults?

My heart can't fathom it, but my mind has to ask....Are they the reason he is evil?  Do they bare some responsibility for what he became as an adult?  My life is severely altered as an adult because of how I grew up.  Is that his story too? 

Do NOT for one second think that I am somehow searching for a reason to excuse his behavior.  I have NEVER stepped into that depth of dysfunction just because it was done to me.  But I have to wonder.  Could the Christmas card I'm holding look innocent, but come from the origin of where my life went wrong?

I really do hate that a Christmas card can kick me back down into my out of control emotional spiral.  Please bottom, hurry fast!