My Road Block

While looking at Christmas lights tonight, I realized something very important.  Just because I am struggling to put one foot in front of the other right now, there are people who are not.  There are people who solidly place faith in prayer and are not currently wrestling through what they believe. 

I know some amazing prayer warriors.  They will be on their face in prayer over every request brought to them and over things they've yet to know. 

It seems almost hypocritical to ask anyone for prayer when I'm struggling with the act of it myself.  Not only that, but I'm such a mess that I don't know how to summarize what I need right now. 

You know that feeling you get when someone taps your shoulder because you are standing in their way?  That's exactly what I was feeling tonight as I thought about all of this. 

The truth is that I'm living day to day in a pretty dark world right now, emotionally and mentally.  I physically don't feel well with some inner ear problems going on and my adnomyosis acting up.  I crawl into bed every night with a fairly grim outlook on life. 

Drudging through day after day without having anything hopeful to hang onto is tiresome.  But am I just standing in the way?  I don't necessarily mean am I just a roadblock that needs to be removed from life...or maybe I do.  In keeping this mostly to myself, putting a smile on my face when I'm anywhere near most other people, am I standing in the way of truly allowing people to help? 

Outside of trying to talk through some of what is going on with me, what could anyone really do to help?  Aren't I just another waste of time that never gets any better?  Or is the very thing I struggle with really the answer? 

Can the thing I need the most to save me from this awful dark place be found in prayer?  Not prayer from me, but prayer from others.  Am I being a roadblock by not pursuing help in this spiritual battle?   How do I hold onto something I struggle to believe if I don't have a firm grip on those who do? 

I don't have the answer to any of those questions.  However I rest firmly in knowing this...I cannot do this alone.  Without help, I will never be able to merge from this darkness.