Tis the Season

I think my fingers needed a vacation from typing the funk of my life.  It's not my fingers, it's just the way it is.  As the months of the year pass by, I can look at this time of year with full anticipation that it will be hard and that is just the way it is.

My adult life seems to echo a similar theme of disappointment that was so evident as a child. 

As a child, you might think the disappointment was concentrated on the gifts or lack of but it wasn't.  Even as a child, I knew I desired something more than a trinket wrapped in shiny paper. 

Don't get me wrong, not having special memories of Christmas gifts is a part of it.  What child, what person doesn't enjoy receiving gifts?  When I think about a small child opening empty packages or having nothing under the tree on Christmas morning, my heart breaks.  So yes, my heart still breaks for the little me who was deeply scarred by the torment of Christmas.

What's the best part about receiving a gift?  For me, it's the unspoken reality that the person giving the gift cares about me.  Receiving nothing as a child was a chance for my parents to show me in a very real way that they indeed did not care about me.  They said it throughout the year and proved it in big ways during the holidays. 

As an adult, the same kind of disappointment settles deep in my heart during the holidays.  I've said it before, but it's the time of year that makes me feel most isolated.  The disappointment isn't in gifts or even in people.  The disappointment is my life.

I watch friends plan and prep for parties with co-workers and friends.  Now that I no longer have a job, there's no Christmas party.  We (really me) have been unsuccessful in finding a place in any social circle, so there's no party with friends either.  I'm also reminded of just how much my previous job filled the void left by my family.

I watch people plan for their children to come home from college or plan every last detail to make their child's Christmas wonderful.  People I know are feverishly making plans to go from one celebration to the next, making the most of every minute with family.  Even my husband is looking forward to the trip to his parent's house.  There's none of that for me.

Literally, everyone around me has something to look forward to as Christmas approaches.  Why can't it be that way for me?   When will my heart ever be filled with something besides disappointment during Christmas? 

I know Christmas is truly about the celebration of the birth of Christ.  Most Christians will tell you that the birth of their Savior should be sufficient and there should be no disappointment.  I'd say those same people have never gone through a Christmas without a family or knowing that their family doesn't care about them.