Bad Night

Sonofabitch...yep that came out of my mouth.

I'm having one of the worst nights emotionally that I've had in a while.  My anxiety is through the roof and I feel like I'm going to bounce from wall to wall.

Those usually available to talk me through it all are unavailable.  So here I am, trying to deal with it by myself...failing miserably.

This is what happens when I get swamped by flashbacks.  In case you don't know, flashbacks are a symptom of PTSD.  It's when you are triggered by something that brings backs memory of trauma.  The flashback manifests as a visual, body, sound and emotional playback of the memory.  Frankly, it feels like the horrific thing is in all ways happening to you again.

Right now, my trigger is my own house.  The memory is something horrific that happened in my house.  I can't really leave my house, so I'm stuck.  That trapped feeling intensifies the flashbacks and doesn't allow for much of a break.  I can only write this because I spent the last hour bawling, then calming down.

Normally, I'd have a resource to talk through this.  She's great at knowing what to say and most of the time can get me calmed.  She's just not available.  My husband is asleep.  My psychologist is absolutely useless with these acute problems.  There's nobody.

If you're a Christian reading this, you might be thinking that I JUST need to trust God because He is my comfort, my protector, my healer and He is with me when nobody else an be.  If that's the case, then I might be thinking you should piss off.

I wouldn't fault you for it though, I couldn't.  Unless you are one of five people, you have absolutely no idea what is truly going on in my life right now.  It would take a whole lot of explanation that I don't feel like giving right now.  Right now, the mere idea of praying or anything of God or the bible causes an anger so strong and so deep, that it honestly puts me at risk of bodily harm or damage to property.

This is my life at times.  It's an honesty that is just dark enough that I can only put on a one-sided conversation blog post.

The pain is so real, I just can't escape it.  While the rest of the world sleeps, I'll be struggling to catch my breath as I feel the extension cord tighten around my neck.  My toes will ache from hours of keeping my balance and doing my best to not accidentally hang myself while being beaten.  As graphic as that sounds, it is absolutely nothing compared to the rest of the story I am reliving over and over and over.

That is my hell tonight!  My reality!  Daylight can't come fast enough.