The Big C

Prior to this summer, I had only limited experience with the Big C. 

Most of my great-grandparents had all died of random things long before I was old enough to remember them.  A step-great-grandpa, who until his emphysema got so bad he could barely breathe, smoked hand rolled tobacco and eventually succumbed to lung cancer.  Another great-grandma had breast cancer back in the early 1980's when people just didn't talk about that stuff.  She eventually died about 6 years ago at the age of 93 from a second bout of breast cancer she just wasn't strong enough to fight in her declining years.

As I inch closer to my 40's, I am happy to say that have only lost one grandparent.  All of them are 75-80 years old and have no major health problems except some chronic back problems, which I do think they have passed onto me.  I believe one or more of them may have developed diabetes, but in their very late 60s-70s.  My one grandma who died 14 years ago developed lung cancer, but was also a heavy smoker for all but the first 9 years of her life. 

My grandma's death was my first real exposure to cancer.  Since she was only diagnosed with cancer one week before her death, I never saw her live with cancer.  My second experience was when my good friend's mother died of breast cancer a few years ago.  Again, she was diagnosed and died less than a month later. 

The exposure I did have set me up to fear cancer because it always lead to death.  Maybe a silly thought, but it was my only experience.

Through church, I've known several people who have been diagnosed with cancer but nobody I had known terribly well.

In the spring, a good friend of a friend was diagnosed with breast cancer.  While I had great compassion for her, I was still on disconnect.

Then in early summer, a very dear friend was diagnosed for the second time with breast cancer.  Within the same week, another dear friend's husband was diagnosed with colon cancer.  While trying to digest it all and talk through some other issues with another friend, she confided in me that she had just come from a visit with her physician who was concerned about a lump in her breast.  A few weeks later, that friend was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I in no way could possibly understand their side of things, the two are incomparable.  I can only tell you what it was like for me. 

It was miserable.  I struggled to see the "good" God plan in it all.   In fact, I have lived in fear of what I am supposed to learn from all of this.  At times, I even lived with that "who's next" fear.

Unfortunately, I learned all too quickly who was next.  My father-in-law. 

I'm not a doctor and don't pretend to be one.  There is literally nothing I have control over in any of these situations.  I think that makes it even more difficult to not feel shoved in the cancer box.  I mean really, it's been everywhere this summer...like an epidemic around me.  I've said jokingly, I'd better not drink the water around here.

There is one thing I am learning.  The word cancer is not necessarily a death sentence like I had seen it before.  I am seeing people live with cancer and live beyond cancer.  I know I needed that reshape of my thoughts so I wouldn't be so fearful if it ever falls closer to me. 

I'm almost afraid of what September, October, November...will bring.  This 1-2 a month average is wearing me down and really taking a toll on my ever-so-fragile faith.