Swimming Pool

Lately, I've been a bit obsessed with being in a swimming pool.  As hot as it has been this summer, I've only managed to go swimming 4 times.  Sadly, summer is about over, but my obsession is not.

One of the swims was late one evening with my husband.  He is not much into pools, but I managed to drag him along anyway.

It was during a time of explaining to him that I think I really understood my recent obsession.

There was no lack of chaos in my life as a kid and there were few things to combat that chaos.

My parents always left a list of things that had to be done each day of the summer.  Laundry, dishes, vacuum, making beds, cleaning, watching my brothers, etc.  My grandparents had a pool and part of my list was to take my brothers swimming in the afternoons.

As often as I could, I would sneak over to my grandparent's house and clean the pool in the mornings.  It was the only time I really got to be alone in a safe place.

The pool wasn't really a safe place for me any other time.  My cousin used that as another place to molest me.  Swimming with my brothers wasn't ok either because they teased and taunted until it just wasn't fun any more.  But that quiet hour in the morning, it was the safest place I could be.

It was always a risk to go.  If my brother's caught me and told my parents, I'd have a high price to pay and often did.  That hour of solitude was worth it though.

I would clean the pool, which took about 30 minutes.  Then I would spend the next 30 minutes swimming and just being ok.

One of the things I often did was flip over one of the floating, blow-up chairs and tuck myself underneath of it.  Nobody could see me.  Nobody could hear me.  Nobody could imagine the thoughts in my head.  Nobody could see me cry.  Nobody was able to hurt me.

I know it might seem a bit crazy, but it was a much needed break from reality.  It might even be what saved me from being crazy.

There is no doubt that the past couple months have left me so incredibly overwhelmed.  In fact, I'm swamped with so much emotion that I just crave times of solitude in safe places.  I'm having a hard time finding that. 

I have a desire, a need, to have times in a safe place.  A place where nobody can see me.  Nobody can hear me.  Nobody can see me cry.   I want to tuck away and let the water hug me while I escape from reality for just a few moments.