Drought

It has been a long, long two weeks since my last post.  I decided I didn't have any energy left to bitch and complain.  I decided you didn't have the desire to read one more crazy post about how crappy life is right now.  I decided there wasn't anything worthy of reporting.

In fact, tonight I'm again writing for myself.  I'm writing with some demented hope that I'll be able to someday look back at this post and see it was only a short trip down into the pit of life and there was something wonderful waiting for me when I came back out.

I don't know if it is a pit I am in or a long, dry, dusty road or a considerable drought.  Whatever you want to call it, it's rough.  But my spiritual life is much like a tumbleweed blowing around on an old, dusty road. If you've ever seen a tumbleweed, you know they blow all around until the elements break them down or they get smashed by oncoming traffic. Big or little, they are fairly delicate.

Honestly, I've become one of "THEM."  By the them, I mean those people who go to church or serve their church but are so far from God.  I'm not even kidding about that.  I stay so busy helping here or serving there.  My Monday thru Thursday schedule is absolutely jam packed full right now.  I am checking the boxes because I've committed and am obligated, whether I feel like it or not.

I'm not sure there's much sense of commitment or obligation in my relationship with God.  Actually, there's none.  Regardless of what I'm taught, told or know, I'm pretty certain God has taken a hiatus from my life since May. 

In May, I was barely hanging on but I had a lot of things carrying me through.  I had a friend who continuously encouraged me in regards to church.  She discussed scripture with me.  She answered questions and asked just as many.  She challenged my decisions in loving ways as she lined them up with scripture.  It wasn't the amount of time she spent with me, but the quality.  Over summer, she moved and I've lost that type of relationship with no prospects on the horizon.

At the end of spring, beginning of summer, I was working through bible studies with a couple people.  It seems like life has just gotten too busy for everybody. 

Summer has been a repetitive story of pray for a good outcome about something serious, only to have the opposite thing happen.  Pray for no cancer for a friend, friend diagnosed with cancer (x3).  Pray for no chemo for friend, friend needs chemo.  Pray for ...., no, no no.  I can tell you that this has happened so much since May, that I finally just gave up.  Regardless of the thing that needs prayed over, I just don't.  Why bother!  God obviously doesn't listen to me, so I'm not going to talk to him.

I've had the unfortunately experience of seeing a wide-spectrum of behavior from church members too.  And let me tell you, some of it is ugly.  I'm not going to point fingers or name the long list of things I've found to be offensive or inappropriate.  I'm not even going to fault any of them.  I'm going to take all the fault on me.  Someone close to me recently pointed out to me that my expectations of Christians are too high.  Ouch!  Regardless, it's upsetting and my gut tells me to run...run far away because something doesn't feel right here. 

I think my final cold-heart indicator came this past weekend.  September 9th was the 5th anniversary of the day I was baptized.  Usually, I get excited in the days leading up to the 9th.  I change my facebook picture to my baptism photo.  I remind everyone who will listen how that time of my life changed me forever.  The day of, I take time to remember that day.  Not this year.  The day came and went and I didn't even think about it.  The day after I mentioned it to one person with no enthusiasm at all.

The thing is, I'm not sure how to change it.  I'm not sure I want it to change.  Maybe this is the beginning of the end for me.  Maybe I'm not and never was a Christian.  Maybe God doesn't want me.  Maybe nobody wants me.