I Can't Answer

I must say that there is a question I have gotten asked often over the past 45 days that makes me cringe.  It ignites anger, love, frustration, fear and hurt.  Yet, I understand the people asking do so because they care.

How are your niece and nephew doing?

After an awkward pause, I sheepishly share that I don't know because I haven't had contact with them.

I'm truly touched that my niece and nephew are remembered and thought of by the people around me.  I loved sharing them, even if for a short time, with the people around me.  I loved introducing them to friends.  More importantly, I love my niece and nephew touched some lives in some memorable ways.

Beyond one facebook post with my niece about when school started, I've had no other contact with her.  I've had no contact with my nephew.

The last day I spent with my nephew, he was angry with me.  There was no reconciliation.  He was angry and wanted away from me.  Sadly, that is how our time ended almost five years ago when I had them at Thanksgiving. 

The last day I spent with my niece, she made the decision to be a Christian.  It was an emotional day filled with amazing one-on-one time with her.  She was fearful and happy.  The time I spent with her this trip was unparalleled to any time I'd ever spent with her.

I've tried.  I have tried so hard.  I've emailed, texted, facebooked.  I have lost sleep at night.  I've worried myself sick, literally physically ill. 

I don't know how they are. 

I know they have started school and it's not going well.  Through an assortment of facebook posts by random people who know them, I know that they are both dealing with bullies. 

The bullies, the lack of contact, it all upsets me.  I can't do anything about it. 

At the beginning and end of the week I had them, I got to spend about 5 hours with my little brother.  I had no expectation going into that time that there would be any contact with him.  I expected nothing and got a lot.  My heart, for a fleeting moment, was happy.  I didn't have any expectations that I would be able to rekindle a relationship with him at the end of that week, but I did have hope.  That hope faded about as quickly as it was developed.

I waiver back and forth about whether I should have ever made the initial offer for them to come stay with us.  It's painful.  There were times while they were here that it was painful.  Honestly, I have the same giant void in me I felt almost five years ago when they left.  That was followed by almost five years of pain, tears and frustration.  I'm not sure adding dashed hope to that list made it all worth it.

The holidays are inching closer and the void definitely feels bigger this year than in the past.  I don't know how to describe it other than  it's like getting something you want, having it briefly, then having it taken from you....Then repeat.