Have you ever missed someone who's gone from your life? Someone you've lost. A close relationship that didn't last. And, I mean missed them so much that you physically hurt?
I'm sure you have.
But, have you ever missed someone who's never been in your life? Missed a relationship you never really had? Missed it so much it doubled you over in pain?
(I think it's important to note this isn't the first time I've written about this. That's how painful it truly is for me.)
The truth is that before I get too far into each and every day, I am physically sick thinking about my mom. I would like to say it's only been that way for a few months, but looking back I realize that as early as this summer I said something similar.
My mom, the woman who gave birth to me, is very much alive. As I've been told, she proudly displays photos at home and work of her two sons and grandchildren. For a brief recap, the last time I spoke to my mom was early September 2007. I shared with her that I was being baptized. She hung up on me and I'd not hear from her again.
The separation between us has been the healthiest thing for me. I am much healthier and safer to not have a relationship with this woman.
In all honesty, she isn't a mom. She really is just the woman who gave birth to me. I know some people would argue that giving birth to me should be enough to warrant some respect for her. Those same people would not understand the real monster I know her to be.
My mom horribly neglected all of her children, physically and emotionally. She never made sure our physical needs were met. We weren't given proper direction in hygiene nor adequate supplies. She didn't make sure we were fed. We lived in filth. She failed miserably at making sure we were cared for when we were sick. We didn't have appropriate clothing.
Aside from that, she failed to provide any type of emotional support or guidance. It went far beyond her not hugging us or telling us we were loved. She laughed at us when we cried. We were slapped when we got hurt. Our pain was her pleasure. Everyone's pain was her pleasure. We were an annoyance, burden and unwanted part of her life and she was unafraid to tell us or treat us as such.
Probably her worst offense wasn't the neglect, it was the abuse.
I've said it before, a mother would protect her children.
She stood idly by and watched my dad abuse me, drug me, sell me to other men. She bears a good deal of guilt for that as well as the ways she physically and sexually abused us.
My mom was a miserable failure in all ways as a mom. Therefore, she is no more than the woman who gave birth to me.
I never had a mom. I never had a woman in my life who loved me, protected me and cared for me.
Honestly, I missing something and someone I never had my entire life.
You might be wondering how I can miss something or someone I never had. Or, how why now at 37 years old am I in so much pain over this. Fair questions, I wonder the same things.
I have more exposure today to healthier mother/daughter relationships than I ever have been. There's a common theme I see in these relationships. Whether the daughter is 18 months old, 18 years old, 38 or 58 years old, I see that they always have their mother by their side.
When the baby falls, she runs to momma and finds comfort in her arms. When the teenager's first love ends in heartbreak, she runs to mom and finds comfort. When the 20-something has problems in her marriage, she has her mom to comfort and guide her. When the 30-something has defiant children, she can go to her mother for direction. When the 40- or 50-something has a health crisis, they run back to their mom for more comfort.
These are the things I've seen.
While those things aren't necessarily by story, I have a bunch of hurts in my life right now. Some big, some small. Maybe not literally, but I want to curl up in my mom's arms and find love and comfort. I need my mom beside me to face the ugly world, to withstand the pain I'm wading through each day. I need direction and correction that only a mother could give.
I've never really wanted those things as badly as I do right now. I know my mom wouldn't make it all away, but at least I'd know I didn't have to face any of it alone.
There's no chance of this happening. She's the source of so much of the pain. She's one of the primary reasons for the dysfunction which still exists in my life. To be near to her could quite literally destroy my entire life. That's not an understatement. I've just glazed over a portion of a portion of a portion of who she is and what she's done.
I've prayed, begged, bargained with God to take this desire away from me. I know, I've said that before too. Wanting a mom by my side is a natural desire that I can't shake, can't make go away. I need it to leave me. I need to not want this, not need this. It can't happen and I need this desire to depart from me forever.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life painfully, exhaustively wanting and grieving something I never had and never will have. I have enough hurt in my life without this.
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