Tired

I know not everyone will understand this, but I'm tired of living in a dark, deep hole.  (This is some of that darkness I warned you was looming a couple posts ago.)

Emotionally, physically, mentally, I'm in a dark pit right now.  No, you wouldn't know it if you saw me in person.  I've perfected the ability to look happy and well-adjusted to just about everybody around me, even those who know me well.

Times like this suck.  If I could do something about it, I would.  I hate these times in my life.

Like many other times that have been difficult like this, I feel completely alone.  Sure, I have one or two people who know me well enough to know what life is like right now.  However, those people only have limited ability or time to help me. 

It's easy to feel like I'm completely alone when there are so few people who understand or even know my story.  Lots of people think they do, but they don't.  If I were blind or deaf; depressed or anxious; physically or mentally disable, it would be so much easier for people to see and understand.  None of that is the case for me.

Only .01% to 1% of the world's population faces the same problem as I do.  Therefore, I don't necessarily expect people to understand.  It certainly adds to that feeling of having to go through this alone.

What adds to the darkness that consumes my life right now is my own inability to understand myself.  The disorder I have makes it impossible for me to understand or even control my decisions, thoughts, actions and so much more.  Even during the best of times, my life is completely out of control. 

It's not feeling alone that's the worst of it though.  It's feeling as though the darkness is going to swallow me whole.  When the idea of living hurts worse than that of living.  When thinking about tomorrow comes with a fear of pain that resonates from the pit of your stomach.  When the future doesn't hold any promises beyond more darkness, loss and pain.

The past couple months have been filled with moments when I think there might be hope, but they quickly fade away.  The past month hasn't had hardly any. 

It's hard to go day after day after day after day not having anything positive to hold onto.  In fact, my life has been filled with a lot of drama, hatred, misunderstandings, and just plain negativity.  I'm not talking about things I can control either.  Most of it is environmental or people I have contact with repeatedly. 

I know there are positive, loving, caring people nearby me.  I'm just not fortunate enough to have them closer.  I'm not worthy of their time.

Despite my smiling face and "Great, every thing's fine" responses, I've been discouraged, depressed and ready to leave a hateful world.   I hate living that lie on the surface.  It's almost as painful as breathing.