Impending Birthday

My background drives me to be self aware more than the average person. When my mood is off, I do my best to evaluate and find the reason why. The past few days, I've become acutely aware of one reason the lack of relationships here is so hard.

In under three months, I will be celebrating my 40th birthday. 

It's the first milestone birthday since I stopped dreading them and started celebrating them. That was a big deal. It was a process to believe that God ordained my birth, loved me and that day was worthy of celebration. 

When Kent turned 40, I threw him a surprise party. It was awesome seeing so many people coming together to celebrate him. It was a bit of a dream to have the same thing one day. 

Last year when we found out we had to move, I thought about my birthday. My friends celebrated my 39th and gave us a going away party. It was great. It was also then that I began praying. I prayed for friends. I selfishly prayed for God to provide me a group of people who could and would be able to celebrate with me. 

But that prayer hasn't been answered. Not in the way that I've wanted. 

Believe me, I know I've gotten far better. Being alone has taught me a deeper reliance on God and I cannot minimize that. 

That doesn't change my disappointment. 

Last year, we were flat broke and moved three days after my birthday. I know my husband will do his best to make up for that this year. I'll absolutely be ok with that. 

I have to be honest with myself. I have to admit the selfishness in my heart. While I know it is still great growth that I want to celebrate, I know there are far bigger things in life.