Unplugging

My husband, in his depression, often tells me that he feels like he can't do anything right. He grew up in a good home with loving parents who also jacked him up. Feeling as though you can't do anything right is one of the similarities we have from childhood. It was something I put a lot of work in during counseling. Truly, it was all about learning to see myself the way God sees me and not taking fault for absolutely everything. 

This past year has handed me one obstacle after another and pushed me back into that hole. I dfinitely feel as though I can't do anything right. I feel like I can't say the right thing and I'm generally failing at life. 

It's not a whining, pity party. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just saying what is true, perceived or reality. There's no facet of life where I'm not failing. 

This weekend was low key and created a lot of opportunity for honest conversation with my husband. While he has depression, he doesn't understand depression in anyone else. I can try to help him and redirect him until I'm out of suggestions, but he still thinks it's helpful for him to tell me to get over it and go on. 

Despite his lack of understanding or empathy, I was able to admit that I am depressed. It is circumstantial, as it usually is. Irregardless, it's there. The good thing is that it usually disappears as circumstances change. The bad thing is that it usually gets far worse before it improves. We both know this about me and know there's usually a fight to keep it from going to a place of harm. 

I continue to go into unchartered territory. The stuff in my life continues to pile on my shoulders. I don't need to go through the list again. It all adds up until I can't handle it any more. 

For a couple years, I did well. I wasn't fragile and I had a solid support system for those times when I needed it. 

Almost a year ago, I lost the stable support system and the stuff started stacking up. Think about the lifespan of a window. When they are installed, they are strong and have adequate supports. As time goes on and the supports break down and the strength weakens, they will eventually crack. That is where I am at. 

Since I'm feeling a bit raw from an entire year of stuff, I feel like I need to protect myself and my heart from becoming any more bitter. I deactivated some of my social media and this will likely be my last post for a while. 

There has been a lot of learning dependence on God through this past year. There's obviously more I need to learn.