My husband may not possess much finesse when he talks through issues with me, but he has learned how to make me think. He doesn't understand my need to isolate, but a recent conversation made me think through it more.
He might not understand it, but he is much the same way. We both handle painful things in three ways.
When there are small things, we both confront them. These are usually the times when offenses come in the form of misunderstandings or a desire to understand. If someone says something we don't understand and could be construed as offensive, it's not difficult to go to that person and ask for an explanation or offer an apology or grace.
Then there are the deeply personal and hurtful things. These are usually the things done or said in high emotion either by us or others. With these things, we both internalize them. The emotion usually overwhelms at first and decreases over time. We usually end up letting it go. This is usually the way we hurt each other. Both of us will either let it go or wait until the emotion has decreased enough to talk about it or it spurs us to a huge fight. With others, we usually let it go over time and things are as if nothing ever happened. I suppose we naturally allow forgiveness and move on.
The third and probably the hardest are the things we just don't know how to deal with, so we choose to avoid them. This is usually driven by deeply painful things too, things we can't control like other people and circumstances.
Probably the most difficult thing in my husband's life is his mom's health. It's probably the most painful thing he's ever had in his life. He can't control anything. His mom having ALZ means he has emotionally and mentally lost her and he has slowly watch her body die over many years. I have lost family members and friends in tragic accidents, suicide and illness. My perception and opinion is that watching someone slowly die with ALZ is by far the most difficult. The loss is constant and happens repeatedly.
The way he copes is to avoid. He avoids because he is helpless to change a hopeless situation. He calls his dad once a week and usually with a reminder from me. He doesn't regularly communicate with his siblings. Before we moved, we were only averaging about 2-3 trips back to his home town per year and we only lived 2 hours away. I have encouraged him to plan a trip home by himself and flying. He has yet to do it. It isn't because he doesn't love them, but he avoids the pain and avoids what he can't change.
I am exactly the same way. Right now, there are several difficult situations that I can't change. I can't change how people treat or perceive or shun me. I can't change my location. I am at a point where I don't know what to do. I don't want to put myself in those situations where I walk away feeling hurt or deflated. So, I avoid. I stay at home. I isolate. I feel helpless in a hopeless situation. I don't have a clue what to do to change any of it.
During our conversation the other night, I finally acknowledged that. When things become so big that I can't address it and I can't change it, I avoid it completely. It's a terrible cycle. In social settings, I feel lonely and unhappy, so I isolate and feel lonely and unhappy.
There's no huge epiphany here. It is interesting to understand we both handle hurt in similar ways. It's also interesting that we rarely have an understanding of the other person's behavior when we do much the same.
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