No matter what we are going through, that's always the response we give when someone asks how we are doing. How are you? I'm great. I'm doing well. And yourself? It make take every ounce of energy we have, but we smile and give the conditioned response.
What are we truly saying when that is our untruthful response?
We are saying that we don't trust the person asking. We are hiding from truth. We don't want to allow that person to show any sort of love or compassion for us. We pridefully don't want that person to help carry a burden. We don't want to allow the person to pray for us or experience joy when they see God work in our lives. We put up a wall to everyone. We indirectly tell that person that it's better to lie than tell the truth. Likewise, we are conditioning them to give the same response despite what their life holds.
Why? Why do we do that? Why aren't we honest?
There's so many reasons. We simply don't trust. We don't feel loved. We don't want to burden as the other person surely has much more going on in life that is far more important. We aren't important. We will be judged or considered a complainer. We are conditioned to know that's the expected response.
This, my friends, is why people think they are the only ones who struggle. Especially in church!
The past four times in church, I've done exactly the same thing with the few people who ask how I am. Fighting back tears, sucking it up, I smiled and enthusiastically said I was great. It was a complete and utter lie.
The first two of those Sunday's, I was mentally preparing myself for the death of my friend and the trip back. The past two, I've struggled with her death and being lonely. Nobody would know, except my husband. He's the one who sees me struggling to maintain a routine because of depression. Nobody else could know.
When I'm asked, I don't say that things are ok but I'm lonely and grieving. So, things aren't really ok, they kind of stink right now.
That's not what people want to hear. That kind of truth scares people. Freezes them in the moment and they don't know what to say. There are wrong responses in that moment. I've heard them. But most people know how to show compassion in that moment. Even if they don't, there's grace to fill the gap.
Several months ago, I had a few moments of complete honesty with strangers. It was truthful, but maybe not shared in the kindest of ways. My emotions were raw in all areas of my life. Lonely. Two losses. Illness. I'm not making excuses, but explaining why the emotions were so surface and deep. I'm not sure anyone considered or even bothered to ask what was at the core of the emotions. It was also a time that grace didn't really fill in the gap.
I share that only to say that our personal experiences also condition us to hide the truth. Why we choose to hurt in silence and lie to people.
We know this world is broken and constantly kicks us. It happens to each other. About half the people who say they are great, really do mean it. But the others are hurting and struggling.
There is a lady who sits in front of us at church who lost her brother recently. I only know that because her brother was my husband's coworker who died in an auto accident. Every Sunday, she smiles and says she's great. That maybe true. I don't know her personally. I still pray for her while I'm sitting there because I know she is at the very least living a new normal and missing her brother.
We want people to be compassionate and extend grace, but it's going to take a lot of change before we allow that to happen. Dear Lord, let us be more honest and compassionate to those who struggle. Let us see each as Jesus would if he were sitting next to us.
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