None of the memories have been shocking or completely new. They have been additional memories of things I already knew or sequential to previous memories (meaning same or similar but a different time than previously remembered). I say that with the caveat that it isn't shocking to me, but would be for most everyone I know. Even though I know what I survived wasn't normal, there is a very normalization of the memories as just something that has happened.
One of the cop drama shows was on today while I was cleaning house. They were chasing after a priest who was forcing exorcisms on victims and killing them in the process. Obviously, that hasn't been my exact experience, but those are the things that trigger real memories for me.
My dad was involved in satanic worship. Like I've written before, I have witnessed sacrifices and other satanic rituals. At times, I was forced to take part in the activities. This is also an area where I don't have a lot of absolutely clear memories.
A lot of my memories have come back slowly, but completely. By the time the memory is complete, I can give infinite details about smells, sounds, physical feelings, emotions and sights. There are a few areas where the memories have only come in bits and pieces. Those include abuse related to my youngest brother, abuse committed by my grandpa and witnessed by my grandma, satanic activities and a few others.
The show today triggered memories for me about my dad and the extent of his satanic worship. He always treated me as though I was broken, like I was somehow beyond repair. It was more than him calling me retarded or a reject or evil, three of his favorite words. He truly believed it. The truth was that I was a bit eccentric and often struggled to balance my own intelligence with his words. The only mental issues I had were a direct result of the hell my life had forced upon me.
My memories today were of a few times when my dad had me bound while him and others beat and tortured me in an attempt to remove the evil and retardation out of me. I'll spare you the actual details. Those can stay in my head for now, they don't really need to haunt anyone else.
A few years ago, I had someone tell me that there was no such thing as an atheist. His argument was that even someone who is against God has to believe there is a God to be against. That might be true. I argued that my dad believed he was the one and only god. I've since come to understand that he was neither. He didn't believe there was a God to be against. He didn't believe he was a god. What he believed was that he had thrown his lot in with satan. He was against everyone and everyone was against him. It is completely different.
There is a satanic bible, rituals, expectations and gatherings. On the surface, it operates much like any normal religion. But, it is a perversion. Satanic cults pervert the truth to entice those who reject organized religion.
I can't help but wonder if he still believes satan is the ruler of the world and deserves to be worshipped. As I watch the nightly news and see the evil of everyday life, I know so many people do subscribe to evil both directly and indirectly. It is possible that he still does, even though he looks so normal on the surface.
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