Wanted: Dad

Since I grew up void of any real father figure, I rarely miss having a dad. I never knew what it was like, so not having that relationship has never felt like much of a loss. Maybe because I'm a female, the loss/void of a mother-daughter relationship has always been a much bigger whole for me. 

This past year has pushed me more into those feelings of wishing a had a father figure in my life. It isn't because we moved or even because it's been so difficult. 

I think it's because this last year has made me long for someone to help me maneuver marriage and male issues. 

My husband is ten years older than me. That means he's going to fall apart ten years faster. Besides that, he's had a myriad of self esteem problems and self doubt. He's questioned himself. He's questioned us. He's been super low. He's had more anxiety and fear. 

I've desperately needed someone to listen and offer advice on how to handle these things. 

Tomorrow we head to a back surgeon. The second ortho specialist for him this year. He didn't need surgery on his arm, but I'm not sure he will be able to avoid it. He has four bulging discs in his back with arthritis present in all of them. One of them is pinching is sciatic nerve. Something has to be done. Of course I'm praying for the least invasive, but will encourage whatever route is going to end the pain he has been in since last September. 

I'm fearful. We are here alone. What am I supposed to do if he's down for weeks or months? I've not driven in city traffic for over 8 years. I'm fearful of even getting him to and from a surgical procedure. 

It's all made me wish I had a male figure in my life to trust and lean on. Someone to count on. Someone who can step in and help if he's out for a while. I don't have that. I have brothers who don't care. He has brothers who can't and won't make the trip to help out. 

We've recently been discussing whether to stay or leave. We are leaning toward staying, but I hate how alone we are. I hate that this is one of those times when I'm not really sure how things will turn out. I also hate that this kind of thing pushes me into a desire I've never had nor wanted.