Anxiety vs Trusting God

It's Saturday morning, a rare Saturday morning. My husband is taking a conceal and carry class. It's just me and the pups and they are sleeping.

There's nothing going on, but I'm sitting here anxious. I don't have big worries. Last year at this time, we had a KC house that wouldn't sell and I was sick and my husbands meds were jacked up. I had plenty to agonize over then.

We don't have any of that stress right now. I feel better physically than I have in years. And yet, I stress over that. I'm prone to anxiety, it's me and how I live. Anxiety takes over when people would turn to other addictions.

There are moments when I can think logically. I'm getting more exercise than ever. I'm more active and watching my diet closer than ever before. I'm working to get off the only two medications I take. My muscles, body and heart should naturally be getting stronger. Things like cholesterol, blood pressure and insulin levels should be coming down or within normal ranges because of the lifestyle changes.

Since I'm moving and exercising more than ever, it makes sense that my body is going to ache and hurt in different places. Sore shoulders, back and ribs have more to do with trying to do push-ups and sit-ups than poor posture or overeating.

I know these things. But, I still let them nag at me. I'll let a little gas or headache drive me to WebMD until I find the surely you will die diagnosis. I've shared before, but my entire life has set me up to always expect the next bad thing. I've never really allowed myself or lived life to expect anything good or plan too far ahead.

My life really isn't that rattled any more. But, you don't suddenly set aside what you've known to be true for 35+ years of your life.

This week I have been tired and had a lot of neck, shoulder and upper chest stiffness and pain. My mind has gone to all those places where nothing good happens. It's a natural response for me. It was a year ago that I slept all the time.

I've only had one day that I slept much over 6 hours. I need a full 8 to really feel good. I've done things like workout and rake the yard. I've spent hours with my head tilted toward the sky looking at meteors. Yes, all of those things make sense.

As a Christian, I know I should rejoice at the idea of going to be with Jesus. And I do. But Christians, do you ever think about how scary it would be to leave your spouse or kids or family? I think that fear is exactly what keeps me locked in anxiety and unable to trust God in these moments and days.

I'd say the same is true with travel anxiety and financial worries. The fear is greater than my trust in the Lord.

Maybe my prayers should be less "Lord please...." and more, "Lord, teach me to trust in You!"