Until it hit the news, neither of us had heard of this website. That's a plus for our marriage. We were both amazed by the amount of information could be found after the hack and how brazen some people had been. Using work email and time to cheat on their spouses. We weren't judging, just surprised.
We were also heartbroken for all the people who now have relationships to mend. Even if the site membership never led to an affair, there is still a brokenness which must be dealt with by the couple.
There was an equal surprise that there have been lawsuits filed against the website. We understand if the sole purpose is regarding the personal information now available for the world to see. But, if it's because they were caught, then that's frivolous.
I've tried to write about this subject before and have mentioned it in passing. Infidelity is something that plagued us early in our marriage. So, we both have ample ability to speak on this and know it's not about judgement. In fact, I share in all honesty knowing it can bring judgement on us.
There's a lot I can't tell you and much that won't seem in context. But, I'll be as transparent as I can.
My husband didn't cheat. To my knowledge, he's never even had a huge problem with lust. However, he has fallen into the throes of women who were looking to prey on his genuine care and kindness. He's a bit naive. He never saw flirtations for what they were.
Me, however, I was the cheater. I won't romanticize it nor will I make excuses for it. But, I ask that you do two things. Understand as best you can the extenuating circumstances and believe me when I say that I am NOT a cheater now.
First of all, I was not a Christian. It was 16 years ago. I had no moral compass. All I had was 23 years of watching how my parents dealt with their marriage and problems. They were cheaters. I was still being emotionally and physically abused by my dad. Unless you've been down that road, you can't possibly understand how that warps your needs and desires, as well as your ability to cope. And there's a lot to deal with in the beginning of the marriage. I also believed my marriage was of no value. I sought ways to drive my husband away because I believed he would leave anyway. I also believed I was unworthy and incapable of being loved.
Again, those aren't excuses. But me cheating wasn't about lust or love. It was purely based on dysfunctional, sinful living in a time of life when nothing was stable.
I admitted my mistake to my husband. He was crushed and I offered him an out. He stayed. He stayed and loved me even more. I won't say he automatically forgave me. He didn't. That took years. Trust took even longer.
My life and our marriage changed long before we started going to church, but going to church was the start of having a guide for our marriage. I changed long before becoming a Christian, but becoming a Christian began building that moral compass.
Neither of us would tell you that I'm a cheater. We'd both tell you that cheating and lust are not a part of our marriage and not a sin with struggle with. We are both confident in our commitment to each other. We would both tell you that was another life ago.
My husband could have left. He had ample reason and biblical grounds for divorce. I know, even though we weren't in church at the time, it was God working on his heart. I know God had a plan for us to stay together through it.
A couple months ago, our preacher touched on something that was like a dagger to my heart. I had a moment of true repentance. Not that I'd never before, but a moment that allowed me to put it completely in the past. In tears on the way to lunch, I told my husband how sorry I was for hurting him all those years ago.
He let me know he had long since forgiven me. But, I needed him to know how truly heartbroken I was over the pain I had caused him. It was the first time I'd ever really known he'd forgiven me and that it was completely in the past.
As I sat with the Ashley Madison hack list in front of me this weekend, I thought about searching for names of family and friends. I didn't. I don't need to know. Knowing would only give me opportunity to judge. I don't want that. Each person has their own demons. Each person has a responsibility to repent to two people, God and their spouse. I have no part of that and neither does anyone else.
Cheating isn't just a problem for men. Plenty of women struggle with it.
Having been down this road, I'd like to offer some sound advice. Avoid your natural instinct to be angry and judge people you know. It's a sin problem and no different than the sins we all struggle with. If you know a cheating spouse or someone who's been cheated on, don't assume their needs to be a divorce. God's plan may not include divorce but a stronger relationship. God can and will use this for His glory.
Be compassionate for both and I know that's hard. Judgement isn't going to help. God loves sinners and is near to the broken-hearted. Show them the overwhelming love of Christ and point them back to God in the darkest of days.
We made it through without God's people, but I know not without Him.
My husband would tell you the same things. He would also tell you that my mistake has made him a better husband and proven to him that he can love me through the better and the worse that we pledged on our wedding day.
I'm not thankful for my mistakes, but I'm thankful for the ways I've grown through them.
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