Mom Dream

Most days, I don't think about my mom. I try not to. It never ends well. Ever!

But sometimes, I can't keep from it. It would be easier if my mom were deceased. Then I'd never have to wonder if she thinks of me, misses me or anything else. My heart longs for that day. It'll be a definitive moment of transition in my life.

Don't get me wrong. For the sake of my nieces and nephews, I don't want that moment to come sooner than Gods plan. I am not ready for them to feel the pain of losing a grandparent. Two of them have already experienced the loss of a young aunt and uncle.

There is no hope of reconciliation with my mom and I've accepted that. It's not something I pray for nor long for.

However, my heart still deeply longs for a mother. I can't shut that off, even though I try.

I woke up at 4 am after what seemed like a long dream.

My dad was gone and my mom was working at the local Walmart. I know, crazy. I didn't recognize her as we stood in her check out line. After I paid, she run around the counter and hugged me. She told me to go pick out whatever I wanted from the store and bring it back so she could pay. I insisted that wasn't needed, but she said she had a lot of years to make up for missing.

First of all, my mom wouldn't have hugged me. Ever! She's not an affectionate person. I've been told that even as a baby, she showed no affection with me. No hugs. No kisses. It's part of the reason it took me so long to be ok with hugs and affection. It's also the reason I struggle to initiate affection.

Second, it touched on my love language. My love language is gifts. I've written about that before. There's so good reasons for it. However, my mom doesn't know what my love language is and likely doesn't know what a love language is.

My mom operates in a sad, dark place where buying things for someone is buying their love and the only way to keep them around. Even though my love language is gifts, I know the gift is not the ultimate sign of love. I cannot be bought, but she can. It's also a sick game that her and my dad played. It was the I'm going to beat the crap out of you and then buy you something nice. It makes my skin crawl.

Third, my mom isn't that generous. She's selfish and self consumed. She's more likely to spend her last $20 on cigarettes and lottery tickets than buy milk for her grandchild. It's painful for her to give up a penny to anyone and she knows little about sacrifice.

The dream definitely touched on those things that hurt. It's hard during this time of year. It's hard during holidays and birthdays.

My relationship with my parents was severed eight years ago today. But the loss came long before that. In all my 40 years, I've never had any semblance of a mother.

While the dream wasn't awful, it wasn't real either.