Ode to Garage Sale

I spent the last three days having a garage sale.  There are a few things I learned or was reminded of throughout the sale.

1.  A garage sale is NOT, I repeat NOT, a get rich scheme.  That idea is a total scam.  You didn't want the junk, why would anyone else?

2.  Looking around at the items littered with orange, yellow, and pink tags all priced under a dollar, you may feel a sudden surge of depression come over you.  Things you had to have at the very minute they were new and spent hundreds of dollars on are now sitting with dust on them waiting for some sucker to buy them for a $1.

3.  You will never earn as much money as you feel necessary to make it "worth" the time. 

4.  Large groups of grannys are dangerous.  They walk around huddled together and providing a block for all tables.  This allows them to steal little items as they walk around.

5.  NEVER put undergarments out for sale.  This one is just a given.

6.  If undergarments do get put out by accident, remove them immediately.  Not removing them can lead to permanent mental scarring.  Such trauma is caused when a little old lady in a sundress puts a bra on over her clothes dancing around, showing everyone, walking down the street to show the husband and then asking if there were undies to match.  Maybe worse than the mental picture that shall remain with me for some time is having to throw away said undergarment after her failure to purchase because she "didn't have big enough cans."

7.  Just because you put a price tag on it that clearly states $3, doesn't mean it is clear to everyone.  I don't mean those who wheel and deal, I'll get to those in a minute.  I mean people really do see $3 and read it as $1.50.

8.  Even if you price things to sell, that price will never be low enough.  I am all about getting the best deal possible.  But how does anyone determine that a particular item is just $1 too high?  To make this even less understandable is when the person pays.  The item was priced $5, they only want to pay $4 but pay with $5.  OCD maybe?

9.  There is nothing more endearing than seeing someone pick up one of your shirts off the table and exclaim, "This is way too big for me. Whoever wore that is super fat."  Be still my beating heart!

10.  Regardless of what you look like at 8 am and without make-up, there will always be some skanky, semi-stoned/drunken man who wants to know if you too are for sale.  Always a good time to grab the hubby and the best reason to never run a sale alone.

11.  It is an opportunity to meet your neighbors.  I use opportunity loosely.  We did get to know one set of neighbors a lot better, while others weren't even friendly enough to introduce themselves.  And...last time I checked, it wasn't their undergarments I was trying to sell.

12.  At least one child will choose your house to decide they can no longer contain themselves, requiring you to allow a stranger in the house to use the restroom.

13.  If the money wasn't already dirty enough, you can count on having more than one person sneeze on you or sneeze and then hand you money.  Hand sanitizer is a must have!

14.  There will be several old men who want to know if they can buy all the things your husband would never sell, like tools and fishing equipment.

15.  More than one item is going to get picked up by the person who is super excited to buy it, then immediately dropped.  The person then returns the item to it's place, deciding they don't want a broken item.

16.  If you put a cute little dog out to be petted, your sales will increase.

17.  Never start setting up before daylight.  Some creepy man will sneak up behind you and want interrupt the set up.  Nevermind the fact that he is a retired old man who could have come two hours later.

18.  Always take down the signage immediately after the sale.  Failure to do so will result in a creeper knocking on the door upset that they some how missed your sale when it was actually open.

19.  Be prepared for complete rudeness.  Garage sales seem to bring out the nastiest side of people.  Seriously, we nearly had to call the police.

20.  Play Christian music and see how many people respond.

21.  You will have at least half a dozen instances where you are over run my Spanish only speaking Mexicans.  You will recognize them when they pull up in a small, 4-door car which normally seats 5 people and 13 adults and 7 kids will crawl out.  They will chatter about things you cannot understand and make the safe assumption that they are making fun of you or your junk. 

22.  At least one child each hour will be so upset that they cannot have the toy they just broke, that they will let out a blood curdling squeal causing neighbors to peak out windows.

I'm sure there was more, but goodness....I just couldn't write them all down.

The first day, we had excitement of fire trucks, ambulances and cop cars.  A neighbors deck was on fire.  That night while we were sleeping, we had a water line break in our front yard. Friday afternoon, we had a little domestic violence in our front yard.  Saturday, I had a man yell at me when I told him he could not smoke in my garage.

Yep....I have seen the last of my garage saling days for some time to come.