My decision to become a Christian was followed by at least a year of complete frustration. When I decide to fully embrace something, I want to...no, I need to know everything about it. That knowledge is what makes me feel successful. If you know anything about the bible, then you know you know very little. You can read the bible over and over, but find that there is still more to learn.
Many times I heard new Christians referred to as "babies." I think about 2 Corinthians 5:17, Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. A baby is a new creation. A baby knows nothing and depends on all the grown-ups to teach and model the correct ways to live. I think that is the same picture of a new Christian.
Even though it took a while, I finally accepted that I was just a baby in the big Christian world. It was ok to not know the bible stories people referred to and to be completely lost in bible studies. Over the past year, I have learned that the unique obstacles of my life have kept me in the "baby" phase of Christianity a while longer than other newer Christians.
Over the past month, I have started to notice things about myself. I think they are comparable to the moments when a baby realizes they can crawl around and are no longer dependent on their parents for mobility. Yes, I have been experiencing those moments when I see that I have some knowledge and am not fully dependent on those around me for everything. Yes, I have learned to crawl.
Maybe I knew this a while ago or maybe I had just thought about crawling and decided it was too scary.
That is right, I am afraid to admit I am growing up. All I have known in life is that once you grow up, you get abandoned. You get left to do and learn everything by yourself. That is a scary way to live. It is reasonable for me to think that if I admit that my faith is growing, then I will be abandoned to then wrestle through life alone.
It is exciting to figure out that I'm not stuck in that "baby" phase any longer. For me, it's one of those....man this is so exciting I feel like I need to celebrate another birthday this year....exciting kind of times. You won't find me doing that though because of my fear of being left high and dry to finish growing up all alone.
So, maybe for now I can just be a toddler for a while. That seems a lot less scary. Yes, for now I think I'll stay a toddler until I have that moment when I realize it's time to walk instead of crawl.
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