Innocent Ignorance

Everyone has really tried their best to either dance around the mother's day issue with me or get me to admit that it was a wretched day.  Neither of those things have been overly helpful, nor have they swayed me one way or the other.

Maybe it's because I have been emotionally flat or maybe it's because I have just finally accepted the way life is for me.  I am not a mother, nor do I have a mother who loves me.  There's nothing anyone can say or do which can ever change either of those things.  Any tear shed would be wasted.

Today as we headed back to see my husband's mom, I still clung to "this is just another day" feeling in my gut. 

Don't get me wrong, anytime I head back to the area, it is like heading back into the belly of the beast.  I did everything I could to get away from there and going back always sucks.  About an hour away, I begin to have that tight feeling in my chest and am ready to head back home.  My whole body and mind become consumed by fear. 

I have to deal with the pressure of how my in-laws will act and react with me.  I have to constantly be on guard, watching for family members that I don't care to see.  I have to be weary of my husband's emotions as he deals with his family.  All systems spend the entire time there on overload. 

It's also just a different world there. 

My mother-in-law was without a doubt quirkier than normal.  It was awkward, yet brief visit and I was ok with that.  I still felt not much emotion and certainly nothing that tied me to mother's day.

After a couple hour, we headed home.  As a treat, we stopped at a BBQ place once we were closer to home.  The restaurant was busy as normal and yet it still wasn't registering that there were tables full of families celebrating moms.

As I stood waiting for them to finish our order, the cashier said "Happy Mother's Day to you." 

I can tell you exactly what went through my head and thankfully never found it's way to my lips.  "What the hell!  You stupid ass, why would you just assume I am celebrating Mother's day? Do I just look old enough to be a mom, so I must be? Are you kidding me? I want to crawl over counter and smack the piss out of you and cram the word mom back down your throat!"

Wow, yep!  Innocent ignorance finally set me off.  It didn't make me cry.  It didn't make me sad.  It didn't even make me angry.  It made me wish people wouldn't make assumptions.

I had just about escaped the day without feeling much of anything.  It didn't last long, whatever it was that I was feeling. 

Whatever it was, I am glad it's over and hopefully I don't have to be reminded of it for another year.