It has been 2 1/2 years since I started seeing a psychologist weekly and nearly 5 years since I began counseling. Most people would keep that on the down low, but not me. I think it shows a significant effort to overcome what has happened to me.
After a short break, I walked into the doctor's office this week needing to hear a prognosis so that my husband and I can make some long term decisions. Since I haven't worked or had my driver's license in 2 1/2 years, I certainly didn't believe he would give me an indication those things would change immediately. However, I did believe there would be some encouraging news.
In January 2010, he said I was looking at probably three years before I would be able to consider driving and working regularly. Being on the cusp of three years, I did expect to hear that possibly within the year things might begin to change.
He truly skated around the question at hand and offered no significant encouragement at all. Indirectly, I learned that again, I am looking at an additional 3-5 years before I will be able to drive or work. I didn't get a courtesy, "You've made progress here and there, but I just don't think you are ready." Instead, he should have just kicked me.
The one thing he does say is that outside influences have slowed down progress. Isn't that what I am paying him for? To figure out how to work around and through even with life happening around me?
I believe that was probably the last time I will ever walk through the door of his office. My insurance has paid very little of the weekly visits. That means we have paid over $25,000 for me to get indirectly told...maybe another $25,000 later you'll be ready to drive and work again. For the extremely little progress I can see in all the time I've been going to see him, I think I've way over paid.
Let's face it, I don't need to share my woes with anyone to continue treading water. I can do that just fine on my own. And in all fairness, my counselor said a long time ago that she couldn't help me without the assistance of the psychologist. I had no choice but to let her off the hook too.
So, today I woke up with a new routine. No appointments. No calls or texts. No visits. Really nobody at all who has any idea what's going on with me from 6:30 am to whenever my husband gets home.
I've been home a lot lately, so I already feel like the walls are closing in on me. But today was a little different for me. The walls seem to be closing in on me and there's really nowhere to go and nobody to tell about it. I've not been able to do much but sit and watch them inching ever so close to me.
I know the decision to stop all counseling was the right thing to do for me. There is not much purpose in utilizing someone else's time when they could be helping other people. It's going to take some time to get used to though.
As I showered and got ready for the day, it hit me that I didn't really have anything to get ready for. Nobody was coming to take me anywhere. Nobody was coming to check on me. I'm not much of a pjs all day kind of person, but I feel like I should be getting ready for something.
But this is life for me now....I asked for it to be this way. I just don't know what to do now. I suppose after the fullness of the change sets in, maybe I'll figure it out.
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