Anxiety

Chances are if you've ever thrown out the Philippians 4:6 verse to someone as a help for anxiety, then you've probably never truly struggled with anxiety.

Nobody, and I repeat NOBODY, chooses to have anxiety and NOBODY enjoys it.  Everyone I've ever talked to would agree that anxiety is a terrible affliction that they wish away the moment it begins to set in.

I cannot take medication for anxiety.  The last anxiety med I tried made me drowsy for days and days.  Other meds caused much worse side effects.  So, I am completely unmedicated for my anxiety.  Anxiety is by no means the worst issue I deal with, but it is one of the more acute things which sideline me from being able to live a productive life.

That's not an exaggeration.  If other issues hadn't knocked me on my butt recently, anxiety would have.  It's out of control. 

For me, my anxiety manifests in constant worry and fret over something small which grows until it literally stops me from functioning. 

On a normal morning, I can wake up and feel great.  A thought about the day or innocuous pain in my side or muscle cramp in my shoulder or any number of other things can creep into my head for just a moment.  That can and often does start the constantly worry, which leads to the anxiety.

I wish it weren't so. 

Since I've been laying on the bed all day, everyday, I have been experiencing neck and shoulder pain.  It's consumed my thinking most of the day.  I've tried to ignore it and busy myself with other things, but I can't stop my mind from spinning.  I know, it's irrational at times but can't be stopped.

I've taken aspirin as directed for heart attacks.  I've taken my blood pressure and pulse multiple times.  I've been through the checklist of things I discussed with the doctor last week.  I've been on WebMD and gone through every possible symptom I have at the moment.  And, even though I've self-diagnosed myself with nothing of any major consequence, my mind still won't stop.

Crazy, maybe.  It's just anxiety.  I know, I've been here before.  I've paced the house from one end to the other.  I've been on my knees praying.  As my body fights to be still while stuck in a fidgety mess, I can tell you that there is no easy fix for true anxiety.

It's probably as hard to explain as it to understand.  My husband struggles to understand.  Of course, he does.  For someone who's never been through it, it is impossible to know.  Even I can admit if I weren't there at the moment, I would even struggle to understand why someone would have an irrational fear of being with people so exacerbated that they can't leave their home.

On occasion, I've been able to diffuse my anxiety through talking with someone.  Since ceasing counseling and therapy, that hasn't been an option.  My husband being at home part of the evening is a bit of a buffer.  Honestly, I still end up sitting and chewing mindlessly on my shirt while I try to calm myself.  I know, gross and bizarre, but it works sometimes when anxiety has worn me down.

While I've had anxiety most of my life, it's certainly never affected my life the way it does now.  I hate it and don't want it.  I don't enjoy it.  I barely think I'll survive it while I'm in repeated cycles of it.  I'd much rather spend my day doing something else besides going to the brink of an anxiety attack and back.

I know I'll probably never live a life without anxiety, but I'd like to at least live a life with a little less of it.