Expectations

As you might imagine, I'm searching right now.  Soul searching.  Trying to find a connection.  Looking at the bare basics.  Doing my best to reconnect myself back to something good and positive.

I am on the run.  Running from church, the people of the church and God.  And, I'm dangerously close to slipping away from most of it. 

Recently, I've been more honest about the hurt I've experienced within the church.  Keep in mind that with all I've shared, it is still only a minuscule amount of the hurt I've experienced there.  But there was a time, long before the hurting began, when I loved going to church. 

Let me back up a little bit further.  In the summer of 2007, the pastor preached a series on Proverbs.  That series spoke to me very deeply.  It was the driving force behind the meeting with the pastor that ultimately led to my profession of faith in his office.

Ok, let me back up even further and set the stage a little bit for you.  Walking into the church early in 2007, I had no point of reference.  This was my first real church experiences as an adult.  I had no expectations.  I didn't expect people to be a certain way.  I had no preconceived idea of what the church body was to be like. 

Outside of that, I really had no desire to make friends.  I had one friend and that was just fine by me.  At times, that was even too much.  I wasn't a people person and didn't care if people liked me.  I wasn't socially developed enough to believe that relationships were important outside of marriage.  It was my default.  Not getting involved with people kept me from getting hurt and kept me from having to go through the ups and downs of human connection.

If you can imagine, most of those things have completely been flipped in me.  Completely changed.  And, where did those changes come from?  How did I learn what to expect from the church?  Where did I come up with the idea that relationships were good and befriending other Christians was right and good? 

Honestly, I got it from being at church.  Listening intently to every sermon and bible study the best I could.  It was the leaders and teachers of the church who taught me what to expect from the church body.  Don't get me wrong, they taught me about grace and forgiveness too.  But the majority of my experiences have been contradictory to what I was taught.  That's just hard.

So to make sure I wasn't wrong, didn't misunderstand what I heard, I got access to that series which initially drew me into the church. 

Today I listened to the sermon on Friendship.  There was so much information there.  Some I remembered well and other information that was a harsh reminder.

I needed to hear it.  In fact, I wish everyone could hear it.  There's so much truth that I wish so many people could be reminded of now.  It all seems so simple and yet simple seems to escape people.

I'm sure I'll be listening to it again, as well as the others in the series.  If the mood ever strikes, it would be worth sitting down and making notes over...it's a sermon worthy of a complete blogpost alone.

One quote from the pastor stuck with me.

"If anyone on the face of this planet is going to known as a friendly person, it ought to be someone who is filled with the spirit of Jesus Christ.  There's no excuse for Christians to have the sour disposition, the attitudes, the actions that are not loving.  We are the ones who should be friendly."

The past year I've struggled to see this within the church body outside of Sunday morning service when everyone has on their best church smile and casually and quite surfacely greets one another with a handshake, hug or hello. 

Please know, that this doesn't apply to everyone.  But it certainly applies to more Christians than it should.  That breaks my heart.  It.  Hurts.  Me.  Deeply.