I would have been...

How can it have only been three days since I visited this page?  It feels like it's been weeks. Several, slow, dark weeks.

My husband made it back home last week only to work all weekend.  I made it through the week and just barely.  I don't think anyone wants to even know literally how "barely" it was.

I wish I could report an upswing for me.  I wish I could say the darkest of days are behind me.  Unfortunately, the only change is the realization that nobody can help me at this point.  That's not the depression speaking, but me speaking out of the reality of my own brokenness.

As I desperately search for an end, I've spent a lot of time considering what I've lost or never had.  Not arrogantly, I can say "I would have been a good mom."

I don't need to go into the history of why I'm not, but it's another thing stolen from me that I desperately wanted.  It's a big thing that would have added so much value to my life and which often leads to my devaluation of my life.

This morning, I gave one of the dogs a bath.  As I did, I sang to him. 

Scrub-a-dub-dub, I got my Gizzy in the tub.
Scrub-a-dub-dee, I am going to get him all clean.
Scrub-a-dub-doo, He's gonna smell like new.
Scrub-a-dub-dub, I'm washing my Gizzy in the tub.

I'm no poet.  I found that singing to whatever dog I have in the tub tends to calm them.  They are all good in the tub, but would rather not be there.  I sing to my dog.  That's right, I sing to my dog in the tub.  Scrubbing the leaves out of their tails and dirt off their noses, I sing to them.

Since I don't have kids, I don't ever get asked to watch children...even when I offer.  However, I really can take care of a child.  I babysat kids for over 10 years and they were all different ages. 

Thinking about the way I care for the dogs and the little things I do to show them love, I can't help but think I would have gone above and beyond that for a child.  I know I would have. 

I always hear parents say they just want better for their kids than they had as a child.  I think I would have been the same way.  I probably would have gone overboard to do just that.

I'll never know though.  I can't say I wouldn't have made mistakes, cause I know I would have.  But I would have made an awesome mom and I'm said that I'll never the opportunity to prove it.