But I got hit with a question today from someone who knows me well. We know what the pros are to everyone knowing who I am (all the issues that keep me contained, bring me down), but what are the cons? It was a simple answer. I don't care. Honestly, I've got nothing to lose at this point.
I don't promote this blog. I don't post links publicly and rarely tell anyone about it. If you read this blog, chances are you are one of the 3-5 people I told about it or you found it by chance. Either way, I write without fear of who reads this. I speak from the heart, even when it's dark.
As I was reading a friend's blog tonight, I noticed that she linked this blog to her post. Not that it's guaranteed, but that definitely increases the chances people who don't know me well or even those who think they do but really don't could end up here. She promotes her blog posts and it's out there for the world to see with the click of a button. That struck a moment of fear deep within me until I remembered....I have nothing to lose.
On my way to grab dinner tonight, this was on my mind. I'm not ashamed of anything I've written. I've not written anything that was meant to purposely hurt or anger anyone. Since I continue to write not to an audience but for myself, I considered how I would describe my blog to someone if asked. Honestly, the song "Cry Out to Jesus" popped into my head. It is an unedited cry out of the darkness sometimes.
Even though I've listened to Christian music so rarely in the past 18 months, I could hear it in my head and recall every word. I turned on the radio thinking how awesome it would be if that song were on any of the stations or on any of the six CDs in the car. No, it wasn't. But I heard a song I've never heard before now.
Through a process of using Shazaam, Youtube and a lyrics site, I know it was Need You Now by Plumb. I also think I found a new anthem of my life.
I don't think this is some new, life changing revolution in my life. In fact, I don't even think it pushes me back toward God any more. But I can hear it in the song. I can hear my life, my pain. It replicates the many nights of cry out to God, crying out to anyone. It encapsulates my fear that I won't hear God's voice above the noise. It spells out how difficult each step is to take alone. It counts the number of times it has taken strength beyond mine own or even others just to keep me breathing. It is beautiful because it says what I feel....I get so tired of barely holding on.
I'm barely holding on...
That's just reality. I'm barely holding on and holding on alone. I have to because 99% of the world surrounding me has no clue what the story is. Even those who hear my cries or see my pain, don't know. Don't understand. Don't know the driving force of the darkness.
Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
Chorus:
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
Chorus:
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now.
Oh I walk, Oh I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
Chorus:
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now
I need you now
I need you now
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