Unstable Freedom

For most of the past three years, I've had often short and depressive periods of time that were largely brought on by my lack of freedom. 

My ability to drive was held under lock and key with only a couple exceptions of being allowed to "give it a try."  I had to rely on someone for everything I needed. 

There was rarely a time when someone didn't know where I was or what I was doing.  I had a very routine life.  Four days a week, I volunteered at church.  The other three days I was always with someone.  There was little time not under the watchful of someone.  There were also no, and I repeat..NO, nights spent completely alone at home.

What a change the past few months has thrust upon me.  I didn't ask for it, didn't have to make threats to get it.  All the freedom I'd been wanting fell into my lap and much to my surprise.

I was given my keys and car back a few days before vacation.  It was such a shock, I found myself driving around with no good reason just because I could. 

My husband's work schedule has forced him into traveling more often than he has in the past seven years.  It started in 2012 with a couple 2-3 days trips and has expanded into traveling once a month for 4-5 days at a time.

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I don't like it.  Those things that I fought against so mightily the past three years are also the things which have kept me the most stable. 

Routine is a huge point of stability for me.  Without it, I go through the day without feeling much purpose in my life.  It's amazing how a routine creates this sense of purpose and gives you a reason to get out of bed.  I haven't been able to hold a job previously because of my issues, but volunteering at the church was an ideal alternative.  Sadly and for reasons I won't go into, that just got to be an unhealthy place for me leaving me with no other option than to take a break.  I have a small house with three small dogs and a limited budget.  There's not much to do that gives me purpose or keeps me in a routine.

It's a little unsettling that nobody really knows where I'm at or what I'm doing for 12-16 hours of the day.  If you know/knew the full extent of my issues, you'd understand that statement.  Sure, occasionally my husband will text or call to check on me, but is far from consistent.  I do have one person who 4-5 days a week will call, text or come by to check on me.  She's fairly busy and can't always do it, but I know tries with best intentions. 

There's little accountability for me.  I know, it probably sounds like I need a babysitter.  I don't.  But, have you ever lost a good portion of your day or ended up in places not knowing how you got there?  Have you ever gone three days and not remembered anything about them, your only recollection is what people share with you after?  Yes?  No?  Those are normal things for me.  See why accountability would be such a huge thing in my life?  Are you starting to understand why not having anyone know where I'm at or what I'm doing would be a little unnerving for me?

To add to the jumbled up life I'm living these days, my husband is traveling...again.  That's right.  The past few weeks have been a fight to remain just OK during the day so that I can have a tiny bit of respite while he is home at night.  Even if my husband is sleeping, I still get some peace that I am safe and protected (most of the time).

With him leaving tomorrow for another trip, I'm not overly thrilled for what that means for me.  Long, sleepless nights to heap exhaustion on my already fragile emotional state.  There's nothing I can do about it either.  I can't change what already is and he has to go.  To keep his job, he must go. 

Will I stare mindlessly at the wall in my bedroom all hours of the day this week?  I don't know.  I know if I don't find some purpose in life, I probably will. 

I heard on the news the past few days about several older couples who have committed murder/suicide.  I know for a lot of people that seems awful and sad.  I think I understand.  I do believe there comes a time in life when you feel as though there is no purpose for you beyond that moment.  A point in time when it seems as though your purpose for living has already been fulfilled and there is nothing ahead of you.  We don't know the future, but it seems fairly bleak.  I do wonder if they'd been given a glimpse of what was to come, would they follow through or re-evaluate.