Wish I had...

Ugh...this fog won't lift.  I can't crawl out of the pit.  Regardless of the analogy you can most identify with, it just hasn't happened for me yet.

It's not that uncommon for me to go through a period of 3-4 days of deep depression and anxiety every few months or so.  I don't even remember the last time I went through 3-4 weeks of it with no signs of it stopping.

I had lunch with a dear friend today who isn't afraid to talk about depression and anxity.  She asked me a question that I hadn't really thought about.  What brought this on?  What was the trigger?

Honestly, I don't know that I can pinpoint it this time.  Sometimes I can, this time I can't.  There's been no biological changes and no environmental changes in the past month.  There are a few changes that go back to December and January, but nothing that I can look at and just know.

There are a couple things that constantly eat at me, even though I don't think they could be deemed the "one" thing.   Even those things seem like a moving target as somedays bring an onslot of emotion over some topics while other days remain flat.

I've definitely felt spiritually discouraged and a bit flatlined for probably a lot longer than 3-4 weeks.  There's a lot I could say about that and will consider for another post.  But I have been dwelling on one facet of this.

In back posts, you can find a lot of info about why I would need to cut communication with a majority of my family.  They are an unhealthy unit of people where I had no hope of ever developing anything healthy.  Regardless of how it happened, it needed to happen.  The church, God, all reasons I learned quickly I needed to cut ties with them. 

Two facts you might recall from earlier posts...

My parents are atheists.  Actually, I'm not even sure that is correct.  Put simply, they are against anything Christ related and believe the highest power lies in themselves. 

The last time I spoke to my mom was in a phone conversation where I told her I was going to be baptized.  She hung up on me and I've not heard from her since.

My baptism was so repulsive to them, that they shut me out.  My committment to God was enough for them to turn their backs on me.  There was no ceremonious explanation of how they were no allowed to be an unhealthy resource in my life.  I wasn't given the chance to walk away from them.  I didn't get to taper contact with them, lessening the blow of loss.

It's really difficult to not look at this as ultimately a sacrifice for Christ, church.

If I'd shut off contact, it would be fair to say I sacrificed the relationship for my own good.  If that doesn't make sense to you, then you probably haven't read enough about the evil which resides inside my family.  

Maybe because it was something done to me and not by my choice, I still have a difficult time with it.  I know this is going to sound completely off the wall to some of my more conservative friends, but I think I understand what it's like when a child is shunned by a parent for being gay.

I chose something so hated by my parents that they turned their backs on me, shunned me.  I didn't tell them I was gay or a drug addict or hooker or any number of terrible things.  I became a Christian.  My own mom decided I was no longer worth having so much as a phone conversation with because of the choice I made.

When I feel so discouraged with church and spiritually flat, I start to get this resentment in my gut.  Regardless of the level of dysfunction, my family is my family.  The only one I have.  When I fight these ugly battles all alone, I wonder if the sacrifice was worth it.  I hate that feeling. 

When I have nobody and I want a family, I constantly question whether it was worth it.  I know, most people are going to say eternal life makes it all worth it.  In times like this, that doesn't seem to matter.

Days like today make me wish I had a mom to call and talk to.  I want to cry on her shoulder and have her assurance that this will all get better.  I wish I had a mom I could pour out the darkness of my heart to and would love me anyway.  Don't get me wrong, my mom would have never done that anyway.  But, I still wish I had it. 

No, not having a mom isn't the reason for the season I am in right now.  Yes, not having a mom definitely makes the struggle bigger and harder.