And the truth comes out...

Holidays suck for me. There's no getting around it. I don't have the typical celebrations with my family, I have none. My husband's family celebrations are always so hard for me. Nobody talks to me, I'm disregarded and overall treated poorly.

I'm not kidding. His family, one by one, will come to wherever we are and say hello to my husband or tell him that dinner is ready. They'll say goodbye to him and not so much as make eye contact with me. At Christmas, the couple gifts I get are usually tossed around and have even been oped by other people.

That's a small list and it's been that way for well over 16 years.

For years, I've struggled to understand. I've never been mean to them. I've tried my best to fit in and love them. I've done everything my husbands ever asked me to do to develop some semblance of a relationship with them and I've failed.

For all these years, I've thought it was me. Beat myself up over it. Listened to my husband tell me that it was me. And still not understood because it didn't add up. Their hatefulness never seemed to match what I gave them.

We've fought. My husband and I have fought over this. Every time, I was at fault. It was me.

My husband made a confession to me this weekend. One that I at times suspected, but never truly believed could be true.

By his own admission, he has told his family every terrible thing I've ever done.

That's right, every little thing I've ever done wrong in our marriage has been shared with his family.

No wonder they hate me. I haven't always been a good wife. In fact, I've been a really bad wife most of our married life. And they've been privy to every bit of it. Our dirty laundry has been aired the entire time and I never knew.

I'm not even sure what to think or how to respond.

Of course I asked some questions. I stayed calm and didn't share my growing frustration.

Did you happen to ever explain to them that I had no real models for how to be a functional member of society, let alone a wife?

Did you ever share the times I begged for forgiveness?

Did you tell them that you weren't always the easiest person to live with or that you at times have been mean?

Did you bother to tell them that I've changed and carried us through all your depression?

Did you ever mention to them that I love you so much that I stayed through all of that and have worked my ass off on our marriage?

No.

NO!!!!!

It's taken me a few days to process this enough to say, I'm hurt.

One of the things I've learned and I believe to be true, you work on your marriage between the two of you. When things get difficult, then it's ok to confide in a trusted person or counselor but only with the intent of being able to go back and work through the issue with your spouse.

Never during our marriage have I ever been that woman who sits around and bitches about my husband with the girls. I won't ever be.

I know, I probably sound like a hypocrit right now since I'm putting this grievance in a public forum. I do so as my personal way of processing and as advice for any reader.

At least this holiday, I'll know why I'm being treated poorly. Because like my husband, they never let things go, and I'm pyong a price for everything I've done wrong and most of it being years and years old.

Good grief. I just want to be loved and forgiven. Isn't that what we all want? I want a family who accepts me. I've never felt further from having that.

We've obviously got some stuff to deal with, huh.

My best marriage advice, know you're both going to make epic mistakes and give your family the running list unless you're going to share the whole story.