Pre Travel Thoughts

It is the week before Thanksgiving, the official start of the holidays. We leave in two days. I'm not overly emotional, but I have a sadness that's settled deep inside me.

I've not been feeling as though I belong here. I've struggled. It's been hard. I've cried out in total darkness, not wanting to be here. Ohio winter has hit early and hard. The coldness has been more than freezing temps, it's been my heart. There has been good things, but in general it's been hard.

We are heading to Missouri. We will see my husbands family, spend some time relaxing in Branson and see a few friends. The truth is, we don't belong there either. We will spend 10 nights in hotels and condos. Not in the comfort of a warm home. We will fight exhaustion as we run from one place to another, never really having any down time. It will be hard and we feel out of place there too. I know because the same thing happened in September.

We, me especially, are in this season where my heart isn't settled anywhere. I struggle to feel truly at home right this minute. I want to. I hate feeling displaced.

When we moved here, the plan was to stick out the two years. It's likely we will be here a good long while. I think ultimately, that will be good. It's really difficult to establish roots if you think of this time as only temporary.

I want this to be home. When there isn't a stirring in my soul, I love it here and I love the people.

At this time each year, I know I have to rely more on facts than emotion. This year is no different.

I have the usual difficulty of the holidays. I have the stress of still recovering from being sick. I am totally jacked up on hormones.

I do have my brothers family coming the day after Christmas. I am looking forward to their 8 day stay. However, that comes with a special kind of stress. As an adult, I've never spent that much time with my brother. It will be good, but stressful. I only have one agenda while he is here. To let him see the impact a relationship with Jesus Christ has had on my life.

I know this too shall pass, but I'm ready to feel at home. I'm ready for things to fit together like they are meant.