That might be accurate. It's 5 am and I've been awake for hours. I'm angry. Why can't I sleep? I'm exhausted and yet my mind races at 12 am, 2, 3, 5 and I can't sleep.
I'm a christian. I should always be loving and forgiving. I shouldn't be angry.
I am human. I'm angry and hateful. I don't want to forgive, but want vindication.
This isn't necessarily all about my husbands recent revelation. This is about this time and place.
This marks my 8th year of going through the holidays without my family. Nothing compares to those first few years. Those were hard. Those were the times when I still thought that Jesus wasn't worth the pain I felt over being so alone during the holidays.
Then the pain lessened and I began to embrace Jesus over my family, knowing that I was far better off. Over the past few years, I found myself surrounded by friends during the holidays and managed to survive them well. The pain never left, just because less of the focus. The past two years have been the best.
Now here we are and everything is different. All the comforts that have gotten me through, they aren't there any longer. Over 600 miles separate us. Our new area, our new friends, nobody knows us well enough yet to understand how hard this coming month will be or how to support us through it. I fear that will isolate us even more.
There is a bit of anger and sadness with visiting this area. Unless there is a family emergency, we won't be back in Missouri/Kansas for a year. A whole year! That is a decision we've had to make.
It is easily a 12-13 hour drive. We aren't just a long weekend away. We've done that and watched friends do it to visit us. It's rough and wears you out. But, it's more than that.
Ohio is our home. Coming back here is emotionally draining. It deserves a post of its own, but it takes a lot of emotional energy to make the trip and we leave feeling even more displaced. We need to make our home in Ohio. To do that in healthy ways, we've got to put some distance between us and our attachment to this place. Not the people, just the place. Our heart can't be torn between two places if we ever want to fully make Ohio home and we do want that.
In addition, we've got a full plate the next year. I've got 3 semesters of 18 hours each. Somewhere in there, I have to squeeze in at least one surgey and either a second surgery or a baby. With school and health stuff, we don't have the money to make the trip. School was a choice, but we did it knowing we'd be living a poor student life for a few years.
Since grief still plagues me, I do hold some anger over that idea I could have been six months pregnant this Thanksgiving. I'm angry that the grief still keeps me from being fully decided on fertility treatments.
That brings me to the reality of how I will spend my holiday. Yes, I'm angry. I've not had time to fully process what has recently been said, so I don't yet have it in me to forgive. I absolutely hate that I have to walk into this family dinner on Thursday knowing that these people very unfairly despise me. The hateful sneers and disrespect will be showered on me like a gift and I'll have no choice but to smile as if I'm an oblivious idiot.
I'm not that person who goes off the deep end and has a crazy holiday meltdown. But everything in me wants to tell these people off. I want to tell them what life has really been like and that their brother hasn't been an angel. I want to ask them where they get off judging me when they are incredibly dysfunctional. Seriously. The family is full of sin, sin that they easily judge others for but fail to acknowledge the exact same in their own life.
I want to, but rest assured...I won't. I'll bite my tongue. I will probably be unintentionally ugly with my husband. But I'll know that once these few hours are over, then I get to walk away for a year.
Hopefully I've cleared my mind enough that I can go back to sleep. I don't need to be angry about being exhausted.
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