Insecurity

I've written on this before. Insecurity isn't one of my usual struggles. In fact, I tend to be misjudged because I tend to have more confidence than insecurity. However, when it hits, it knocks me right on my butt.

I feel like I'm taking a huge step backward. Given all that has happened, I've handled the last year better than expected. Sure, I've had meltdowns, but I've navigated them and quickly returned to some semblance of normalcy. I've had help at times, which has kept me from falling apart and completely regressing. 

I'm stuck in a hotel in Kansas with nothing to do but let circumstances unravel me. Old tapes are playing. Self doubt has settled in my mind. My heart is wrapped up in anxiety and hurt. 

There have been times in the past few months that I thought everything that had happened was finally going to break me. It didn't, because when I finally got to the end of myself, one or more people were there to walk through it with me. 

This is a little different. Insecurity is different than the big struggles. It makes me feel far more vulnerable. 

At the moment, I'm dealing with some harsh realities in my marriage. Realities that are always there, but only get to me when I'm feeling insecure. 

My husband doesn't give me what I need. He can't. He's got his own stuff that makes him only able to care for himself. Not getting what I need for so long, finally leaves me tearing myself apart. Questioning what I otherwise know to be true. 

Does he love me? He doesn't say it much anymore, so he must not. Does he want me around? He must not because he's rather watch tv than talk with me. Can I depend on him? I don't think so because he isn't sensative when I'm sick. Have I become unattractive to him? I must because he doesn't hug or kiss me any more. Am I the worst wife in the world? Of course, he tears me down, brings up mistakes from the far, far past and let's me know all the ways I fail. 

I think that is greatly compounded by the time of year, especially this year. 

I've taken huge steps forward this year in every aspect of my life. But here I sit, in a dark pit, knowing that this is a step backward. 

I pray. I pray about the circumstances. I probably don't pray much for myself. At times like this, I don't feel I'm worthy.

I can't wait to get home. I want to curl up in my own bed and not move for the next month. I want to hide. Hide from the pain. The only way I can hide from it all is to be alone, isolate myself. I don't want to deal with all this and I certainly don't have the energy.

My only prayer for myself is that this doesn't get as bad as it has in the past, so bad that it is destructive. I don't have the relationships built yet to share that kind of honesty, so I know it could get bad for me. I know how quickly my self value sinks to being non existent and how easily it would be to slip away.