I Wanna Go Home

I've had a huge revelation the past few days. Ohio is my home.

Since we moved, I've felt torn, like I'm straddling 600 miles. Displaced. Ohio didn't feel like home, but my stuff was there. Missouri didn't feel like home, but my heart was there.

Two days ago, we drove by our old house. It was part of what kept me feeling connected to MO. It was where I lived for 16 years and definitely the place of so many life changes.

As we drove by, I didn't recognize the house. The color was brown. The garage door was brown. The front door was red. The decor was different. Our nice blinds had been changed out for cheap mini blinds. It was our house. It was only a guess that they've changed the inside too.

Huh. Missouri isn't my home any more. I'm not upset by it, I feel a little relief.

Life in Ohio has been rough recently, so it's hard to fully embrace it as home. But it is my only home.

I don't have any other place. No family home. Not even a place to stay.

There is still a connection to people in Missouri. However, that is dwindling. There are a few close friends who remain the same. I savor the time I have with them, knowing it isn't newrly what it used to be.

Let me take a moment to discuss friends. Maintaining those long distance relationships is hard and takes intentionality. I've also found that it's hard to balance visits. People who've never had to move away just don't get it. When we visit, family is the priority. Family is two hours from friends. I can't be in two places at once. So that limits availability. When schedules don't mesh, I just can't fit in exceptions, despite the desire or guilt trips. Simply put, I'm not going to see everyone every time and that has to be ok.

So, here I am after another sleepless night and ready to go home. My home. In Ohio.

I'm glad for the difficulty of this trip. I hope it drives me to put more effort into being at home in my new community. I've still got a lot to learn. God still has to help me out with the details of how I'm going to fit where I don't believe I do.

But I'm ready to be at home.