My grief spewed out at all times and on everybody. Until one day, about two weeks in, I took assessment of those around me. Everyone here who was even remotely with me through it, appeared to be done with me. They physically and verbally seemed to grow tired of my emotions and very much came across to me with the words and non verbal communications that screamed "aren't you over this yet!"
So I did what I do best. I put it away. Shoved it so far inside myself that there was no chance it would come back out. At least not in ways that I would allow anyone to see.
When I'd see new babies of friends on fb, I'd head to the bathroom and bite back tears until the sadness passed.
When I got handed the baby dedication forms at church to take care of and the announcement in the bulletin, I turned the music up loud so nobody dare hear my momentary bout of bawling.
When I listened to friends complain about their children, I fought those raw emotions that threatened to come out in a full blown backhand and reminder to be thankful for what others can't have.
The truth is, it's still there. Sitting at the surface and eating away at each of my days. I exhausted my resources and convinced everyone I was ok. Doing so for them, not me. Believing life would somehow get better if everyone around me were once again ok with me.
I screwed up. I'm not ok. I'm still grieving and I'm doing it completely alone. The people who were helping have long since moved on, because that's what I claimed to have done.
As I sat filling out our fertility specialist paperwork, it hit me hard. There is a higher probability of additional loss than actually having a baby. Am I ready for that? Do I have the support I need for that? I can't answer those questions.
I was devastated and elated that our appointment had to be postponed. I think I need a little while longer for my heart to mend before I do it all again.
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