Homesick

There must be some unwritten rule that the second year in a new place is the homesick year.

Most days, I'm on the verge of being homesick and Sunday is the culmination of all those emotions.

Don't get me wrong. I love so much about here. It's beautiful. I love our home. I've learned a lot and my faith has grown. Moving was probably exactly what I needed and exactly when I needed it.

Also, don't be confused. Home is KC. I lived in southeast Kansas for 23 years and KC 16 years. My original home was a living hell and I'll always consider KC home.

Sunday is the day when I'm most reminded of how much I miss. It's the day my lack of human interaction is right in my face.

I'm not saying that the church we left was perfect, far from it. But, I knew it was where I belonged. In the six or so months we were there, there was never doubt for either of us that we belonged there.

Maybe not at first, but by the end, I was surrounded by old and new friends. My Sunday mornings were filled with meaningful conversation, handshakes from a multitude of people, and hugs that were so filled with love that they carried me through the week.

That kind of love and affection is important to me. With no family, it's important to feel that kind of deep love. That kind of love is needed.

I miss that. How could I not? A year here and I'm not the least bit close to having what I had when we left.

It's not all about church, please don't think that.

Before we left, I had lots of people active in my life. Text, calls, time spent with people. It was rare for me to go a week without seeing at least one friend and usually more. I spent time with them and that usually ended in meaningful, heart-felt hugs. In times of crisis or emotion, the hugs were even more powerful and needed.

I miss that.

There's no doubt in my mind that the Lord has made no mistake in bringing us here. But now, he's allowing my heart to constantly long for home.

We still do not have a plan and contractually have 10 months left here. We are praying for God to make it clear if we are to stay or go. As homesick as I am, I don't yet feel called to move back to KC. I don't think my husband does either.

Clearly, I know the Lord knows what I need more than I do. I know that if His plan is for my perceived social needs are to be met, then they will be.

There's absolutely no offense meant by this. I love that this community is tight knit. I love to see how they love each other and do life together. It makes this place so attractive when it doesn't have a lot more to offer. For whatever reason, we don't seem to fit. We want to, but we don't seem to.

The experience has given me so much education in moving. It's made me understand the importance of researching and spending time in the community before making a home choice. It's placed so much importance on taking the time to find the right church after a move.

If we move, I'd certainly look at a small community like this one again. Even if we were to move back to KC, I'd definitely consider a smaller town than we moved from.

I'm not sure what the future holds. But today, I hang onto fond memories and long for a place where I don't feel so alone and feel the love of friends.