Summer Fears

This morning I found myself cleaning out the garden. Pulling up bean plants and weeds. I'm not making room for more or easier access to tomatoes. After I was about done, I realized it was because of fear.

By this time last year, I was sick. Starting at the 4th, I was cold all the time and knew something wasn't right. I started sleeping all the time and had no energy. It probably started in June, but I had enough company that I powered through it.

There's no logical reason to believe this year will be the same. In fact, I feel great. I still have residual problems from my the Bell's palsy. Parts of my face occasionally feel like it's tingling and only on the side of the BP. Evidently it's normal long term effects because the nerve endings may have fractured and rebuild themselves. It takes a while for them to retrain. It's also a residual effect of the virus having been active in my face. Besides that, allergies are my only problems.

I think there are a few things making me fearful this year.

Things have not gone easily for us since moving. We've come to expect bad things. Just last week, we had to replace another appliance. So much good has happened and the bad has never destroyed us. But we are both a little expectant of bad things at this point. We don't trust that something bad isn't lurking around the next corner.

We've both had bizarre health issues since being here. We rarely went to the doctor before moving and were pretty healthy and physically stable. I've had a surgery and been to the ER three times. My husband has been to a handful of specialists, had multiple procedures and is having another this week. That is probably comparable to the first 15 years of marriage.

Part of my strength and security comes from my husband. But his injuries and health issues have worn him down. It's tapped into his securities about aging. That's been hard to see and has shaken me a bit.

Last year, the garden went crazy with weeds and things stopped producing way early. The house was never clean and the laundry never finished. I suppose it's ok to stay on top of all of that. My goal should be to do so out of mindset of seeing progress and not of fear.