There are a few things I've been praying through lately concerning my own heart. I've not shared them, not everything on my mind makes for an eventful blog post. In fact, somethings are far too personal and even embarrassing to share with anyone. But, then, some times it's worth sharing as a humble reminder to myself that I don't have everything figured out and there are still very dark places of my heart.
It's hard to admit, but I've found a lot of hate within me lately that I didn't think was there. I try my best to be loving and accepting. If you truly knew the hate I came out of, you'd understand and agree that I've come a long way. In fact, I'm nothing like those who taught me to hate. But, it's not completely gone.
Over the past few years, I've been very matter of fact about my acceptance of gay friends and their desires for civil liberties. You'd never find me at a gay pride parade, but I've been loving and accepting. I felt I had to be.
Since becoming a Christian, I've been surrounded by people who outwardly show so much hatred toward homosexuals. Not just a hatred of sin, but a judgemental hatred of who they are and how they live. I never wanted my life long gay friends to see that hatred in me. I wanted them to see a love that only Jesus could be credited for.
As I lovingly confronted a gay friend yesterday, I realized that I'm truly not as loving as I thought or want to be. As much as I support them, I don't love what they stand for or their sin. In fact, I hate it. I hate it as much as my own. I don't see them as equal when they flaunt their sin with pride. Isn't that what they are doing? They dance around the streets in sequined speedos or dye their lady Mohawks in rainbow colors or wear shorts and suspenders only over their rainbow nipple pasties. They demand equality, but celebrate how they are unique. They want it all. They want everyone to compromise their beliefs and standards, but refuse to make any compromise or have any compassion for people who want to live their lives void of flamboyant sin.
I hate that!
My conversation yesterday was convicting. I was angered that my friends demand acceptance, but have none for me. The most convicting part was that when it came right down to it, I had hatred toward their actions. For me, the bottom line was that I was right and they were wrong. I loved and supported and accepted, then found they had nothing but judgement for me in return.
My hardened heart instantaneously wanted to give them a big fat finger and side with my bigoted, hate filled friends. (Keep in mind, I don't see all Christians that way.) I know that's not the right response, but it's a completely honest response. It's the response of a sinners heart who understands they don't have the capacity to completely love those who oppose them.
Believe me, this gay issue isn't the only one where I've found hatred in my heart. There's hatred toward anyone who opposes me, doesn't like me or treats me unfairly. I can say that I easily shake it off, but that's a lie. I can say my heart isn't filled with anger, but it is. Ask my husband. He'd tell you right now I'm angry at the world because we moved here.
I'm not content in any of it. I also know that I'm not hiding any of it. It's on my face, in my words and written all over my daily life. I could tell you that I have this or that plan to change it. I don't. I can't. Not alone. I know it's going to take prayer and obedience to fix it. I know it's something that won't be fixed in an instant. It's something God will continuously allow me to be burdened by and He will allow conviction.
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