Slump

Tomorrow is my weigh in and measurement day. It might be the first one I'll skip in 7 weeks.

This last ten days have kicked my butt in so many ways.

Up to this week, I got plenty of exercise. Between cleaning and prepping for a guest and then going a lot while she was here, I didn't slow down much.

It is always good to have visitors. Don't get me wrong! But it's stressful and definitely gets me out of my regular routines. I won't say much more about the visit because it had special stresses. It kicked up a lot of OCD in me.

Since I was out of routine, I was only able to get 2-3 hours of sleep for night. That left me completely exhausted. A week later and I am finally feeling like myself again.

During that same time, I had a minor health crisis. Nothing that isn't getting under control now, but one that took me a step backward with my blood counts. There's a good reason why you cannot donate blood for 2-3 years after low platelet levels. It only takes a minor crisis or bump in the road to set you back.

All that to say, I'm just now getting some energy back. But this week has been hard. I haven't gotten much exercise.

I've also struggled with some emotional issues. Dreams about family have continued. I don't have a true place to process and download most of that.

We are coming through one year anniversaries of very stressful and tough times. A year ago today, I had surgery. It's also when we found out how close to death I'd been. This month will mark a year that we learned of our miscarriage and had another. Not that I'm stepping back into that realm of grieving, but it does stir up some emotions.

In some of my dreams, I am desperately trying to get my mom to be with me through some of the emotions and her response is always the same. She stands at a distance and laughs. Sad, but that's how she dealt with my rare displays of emotions as a child.

All of that has been a pretty heavy load to carry. There's only so much I can share with my husband. His shoulders are already full with his own stuff. Exhausted, alone and deflated has made this a rough week.

It's the first week that I haven't paid attention to diet or even cared. It was the first time that the idea of losing only one or two lbs discouraged me. It was the first time in seven weeks that I really believed that I was wasting my time. It was the first time in this journey that I was content to just be a fat girl forever.

I know some people use a list like that to push them to work harder. Not me. It was my white flag moment.

Of course, I won't stay in this place. But I have to be honest about where I'm at right now. I have to know that every step of this journey wasn't easy. Not every week was about weight loss. I have to remember that some weeks were just about getting to the next week. I have to be reminded that weeks when I sabotaged myself, I could still start fresh the next week. I have to know that there were weeks when I was carried and the journey was never mine to take alone.