My friends, my friend's children, my family members, ladies from church, ladies from bunco....everywhere I look there are either babies or babies to be.
Good grief, I think we must be in the mother of mating seasons and have been for the past year.
I don't begrudge any of them the joy of pregnancy or their little oogley baby at all. But lately it seems like every week brings another announcement or birth.
Most of the time, I do pretty well with sharing in their excitement. I congratulate them, even get excited for them. I'd be telling a lie to say each time, in my heart, it's like being slapped in the face while getting a punch in the gut.
I'm not overly jealous with all of it, but it does start that self loathing. Why after all I've been through couldn't I have at least been able to have a child? Why did God choose me to be without child? What did I do to cause this?
I know the physical causes, but I don't get the over-arching big life plan reasons. This is one of those things that always ends up in disconnect between my head and heart. I know, but I don't.
This past weekend I received an email from a dear friend. She too had struggled with infertility. She was so kind to tell me ahead of time she was pregnant and they would be announcing soon. It was by far the sweetest way I've ever had a friend handle this delicate subject for me. I so appreciated that.
She was kind of the last person who could truly commiserate with me over infertility. And...it left me feeling kind of, no really, alone in this area again. Not that I wish this dreadful thing on anyone, but it is nice to have someone who understands.
There are so many babies coming soon that it might take a little more than I am humanly capable of to emotionally get through. Ahh...fun times!
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