Overloaded

It could be that I didn't hardly sleep last night or that this week a majority of my support system is unavailable or even that my entire routine is in complete disrupt, but I'm doing everything to maintain dry cheeks.

I am on total emotional overload and have had no real outlets for it this week.  Sure, I've had a couple people talk with me.  But I haven't had any of those deep, honest, vomit-it-all-up conversations yet.  Usually by Monday, I've had at least two of those. 

Nobody is around who really knows me well enough to know the signs that I am hiding a swirling nest of emotions inside me.  Nobody knows how to push me gently but just firm enough so that I will lay it all out and be able to relax from the internal turmoil for just a little while.

I'm sure I've shared the analogy of the beach ball.  When you focus all energy on keeping the ball under water, you will eventually become exhausted and the ball will go flying out of the water.  I've exterted about the last bit of energy I have to keep it down and it's about to shoot back up. 

Sadly, bad things tend to happen when I can no longer hold the ball down.  I've had a couple people ask how this week is going.  Sometimes I really believe when they ask, they just want to hear everything is fine and that's what I give them.  Other times, I might project that they don't really have time to have a deep conversation or even that they really won't want to hear the truth.

It's times like this when I wish there were more people who were strong enough to sit me down and not let up until I crack.  It's not some sadistic need in myself.  I just know what I need to survive times like this. 

I can't ask or demand or expect that of anyone.  And, I think that ties back to my childhood and past experiences. 

When I expected my parents to take care of me, they failed.  When I asked grandparents and teachers to help me, they failed me.  When I begged friends to help me through trials, they failed me.  I don't ask because that starts the expectation that the person will reject my request and/or fail me.  I've stopped even giving people an opportunity to fail and placed every expectation on failing myself. 

Only another entire week before I get back into my normal routine.  Another whole week.  Seven full days.  That's a lot of time for failure and a lot of opportunity for major damage.

I know the Christianized response to my dilema is to "just trust in the Lord" or "when everyone else fails you, the Lord is always there." 

My oh so human response to that is this:  Yes God is the only one I can fully place all my trust in and who will never fail me.  However, He knows me best and knows that he designed me to rely heavily on the tools He provides.  He knows my comfort comes most often through music and He knows human conversation and good Christian counsel are essential key ingredients in my daily living.  He knows my "right now" depends on others to support and care for me.

Oh boy...only one week to go before I get some normalcy back and I can get rid of this overload.