Freedom

Have you ever wanted something so bad, but when you got it you realized maybe it wasn't as great as you had thought?

For almost three years, my constant thought has been that my life would be so much better if I were able to do just two things:  drive and spend as much time alone as I wanted.

I've had those things now for the greater part of a month.  And ya know, it really isn't as great as I remember.

There are so many things in my life that have improved over the past few years.  I think having so much freedom tends to accentuate the things that haven't improved much.

You would have to know more of my background to understand that I can go hours at a time without any idea where I am or what I am doing and then have no memory of it later.  This usually happens when I am tired, bored or upset. 

I thought when I got to drive again that I would stay incredibly busy.  I mean goodness, it seemed like I always had things to do and nobody to take me to do them.  What really happens is that I spend most of my time at home, doing nothing.  I really don't drive that much.

In fact, I'm not sure I even really like driving.  It seems to kick up some massive anxiety in me.  Every other car on the road is a potential person to cause an accident. 

I also didn't realize how much I had enjoyed having the company of someone to go most places with me.  It is a little lonely going everywhere alone.

Which leads me to why the other half of what I wanted hasn't been that great. 

Being home by myself all day, everyday....well...it's a whole bunch lonely.

My husband works so many hours, that I typically only get 2-3 hours of human interaction per day.  Sad, huh?

I think it's more than just loneliness for me.  I went from someone knowing where I was at all times and having someone nearby to having nothing. 

From 6:30 am until 3:30 pm or much later, nobody really knows where I am at or what I am doing.  That feels like someone kicked my legs out from under me. Without going into in a public forum, I can assure you that there are a long list of things that could, have or will go wrong during times when nobody has accounted for me.   That's a scary thought!

I'm sure in a few weeks when I can't drive again (which I know will happen), I wonder if I will remember just how miserable I am now.  I wonder if I will be able to think back just a few weeks to this time when I've just about decided that all I wanted wasn't really what I wanted at all.