Prepping

As I frantically go through the house cleaning and making a list of things that needs done before our impending house guests, I am figuring out that prepping is a lot work.

I have certainly had a full plate with making sure I have enough blankets, pillows, towels, etc.  There are things I would love to have done, like tile in the bathroom, that I have resigned myself to accept just isn't going to happen in the next week.  I have already made a trip to target for miscellaneous items that I wouldn't have otherwise purchased right now. 

There's certainly been a lot of prepping for our impromptu mini-vacation and a variety of activities being planned for the kiddos. 

All of those things are just motions.  The lists are long, but hard work and time will persevere.

What I hadn't really thought through until the past two days is the emotional prepping that needs done. 

After a few anxiety attacks which reduced me to a bawling mess in the fetal position on the floor, I was able to accept that maybe I might be a little fearful of the upcoming family visit.

Don't think for a second that I don't love my niece and nephew.  I do.  I love them beyond what I could possibly explain to anyone.  They don't have to earn my love, they just get it.  I have anxiously waited for over four long years to again show them just that.  I would sacrifice for them.  My heart has been warmed by catching a glimpse of a picture of them.  My heart has been broken every birthday and holiday I have missed them.

I equally love my brothers in the same ways, but it's much harder to say. 

But I've become overwhelmed with a very real fear of what my place is in their life and how they feel about me.

I am doing my best at holding my expectations of them very loosely.  They are 11 and 12 years old.  I'm not sure your average 11 or 12 year old is overly loving with anyone.  I also know a bit about the environment they come from.

It is very possible that after all this time, we will be like strangers with each other.  I know enough about kids to know they change a lot between 8 and 12.  Good grief, I've changed so much in the past four years.  Will they even remember me?  Will they remember what I was like four years ago?  Will I have changed so much that they feel I too am a stranger?  Or even worse, will I have changed so much that they don't care to be around me?

The truth is that I don't know and that scares me. 

Even though I am trying not to focus on it, I am incredibly sad over the time I've lost the past five years.  I've lost so much time with them, my other niece and nephew and even my brothers.  I know it had to be.  In order to sort through the nasty rats nest of my life, I had to be away from my hometown and key family members.  I don't regret that, but I do regret the distance it put between the kids and I.

Let's face it, I have made a lot of great changes in my life and have come so far in the past five years.  But, what if I'm really not the aunt they know or even want?  What if I am in fact not good enough for them any more?  What if I really don't have a place in their life any more?  What if they are angry or confused about why I don't visit them any more?

How do you explain to a 12 year old that their grandparents screwed their aunt up so bad that she had to go almost 5 years without seeing them?

I don't regret the decision to keep them at all.  But I am scared beyond belief. 

Not that I've voiced this concern to anyone yet, because I haven't.  However, so much of what I have shared with my friends has been met with that common, "don't worry about it, God will work it all out."

How does that apply when one half the equation are not Christian? 

I still have a week before they get here.  A full week to stew over the emotional ups and downs which are sure to come.  

Back to cleaning I go, tears and all....that seems to be the only part of this prepping process that I can control at this point.