The Let Down...

There is much more to write about in the last five days of the visit with the kids.  Originally, it was the emotional ups and downs paired with the constant busyness that kept me from being able to continue sharing.  Believe, there are things you won't be surprised by and things that are blow-your-socks-off amazing that are left to share.

Now, I sit here in the let down of it all.  My house is quiet.  I've almost picked everything up and nearly have everything back to where it belongs around the house.  I've rested, napped and slept my way to feeling mostly normal again instead of exhausted.

The week was an emotional roller coaster and I've come to a lull where I don't want to feel anything.  I want to be emotionally flat to give myself a break.  I refuse to shed one more tear out of anger, joy or fear right now. 

Mainly, I want to completely ignore the profound emptiness that's looming around every corner.  All I did for a few weeks before their arrival was prepare for their arrival.  I prepped physically and emotionally and it consumed at least a large portion of everyday.  It goes without saying that I stayed busy from out of bed to bedtime every single day while they were here. 

Now, there is just kind of nothing.  I don't have a lot to look forward to and nothing to consume my time.  It's fair to say that I'd forgotten what life was like prior to four weeks ago.  Was my life really this empty?

Sure, I have somethings that I will hold onto for a long time as positive from the past week.  To think about those would tap into that forbidden area where I don't want to go right now.  But, emptiness can't be eluded.

It isn't anything new for me.  It is my life.  I live it and I know what little there is in it.  By that, I mean I know I have very little to get up for in the morning and even less to keep me motivated throughout an entire day. 

If there is one downfall to having the nine day visit with my niece and nephew, it is that their leaving has shined an even brighter light on all the things I dislike about my life.  The lack of purpose, job, generally anything that makes me feel like my life is of any value. 

It is crazy how something as simple as being responsible for a child can add so much purpose in your life.  Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the time they were here....but man what crappy thing to have waiting for me after they leave.