Grace

Ack! I'm awake at 4 am again.

I woke up thinking about grace.  Something happened yesterday, actually several things, and I think I'm going to have to extend grace where I want to be angry. I want to be angry because someone didn't handle something well. Someone who doesn't know the fullness of the story and doesn't understand that it is not my norm to reach out in crisis. Someone who probably struggled to say the correct thing, much like I would have. 

In my last post, I said I was going to put my emotions away so others are more comfortable. That's still going to happen. I don't think it's truly ok to be messy in church. 

But, I realize that I need to have some grace in my life too. 

We are now in our 10th month of things being hard. 

I went back and read some older posts. To be fair, it doesn't expound on the positive, but my blogging had slowed down. I didn't have time, simply put. 

January. We joined a new church after months of pain and trials with our first church. We didn't get involved and we didn't develop any deep relationships. We also had two different pastors in that 3 months of membership. 

February. Found out move was possible. Found out move was imminent. Husband got super depressed, starting shutting down and living in denial. Were told to get the house on market and start looking in Ohio. 

March. Husband more depressed. Spent every waking hour getting house ready to sell. House goes on market. Contract on house after two days. Have niece and nephew for final hoorah before we move. Travel to Ohio. Look at over 30 houses. Decide on house. Contract accepted. Realtor in KC causes that contract to fall apart. House back on market. Find out we can proceed with Ohio house non contingent. 

April. After 10 days, another contract. Stress through inspections and appraisals on both houses. Work had to be done after KC inspection. Ohio appraisal was a disaster because the owners trashed the house. Still best deal. Said goodbye to family and friends. Packed what we needed. Moving company packed the rest. Moved to Ohio April 29. 

May. Cleaned and made house livable. Moved our stuff in. Started the miserable process of finding a church. Husband still depressed. Tight budget. Neither of us felt good. 

June. Husbands depression worse. Trying to settle. I got sicker, blamed stomach. 

July. House contract finally falls through. Back on the market. Agents have given up. Still getting sicker, still blaming stomach. Even tighter budget. 

August. Niece and nephew coming, not coming after nephew falls. Had to fire agents, start with new. House back on market, no interest first 10 days. Husband having anxiety and depression hits peak. I finally end up at ER, very sick, feeling like I could die. Super bad experience. Saw dr. Had biopsies. No answers. Could be cancer. Still getting sicker, weaker. Sleeping 12-15 hours a day. Can't move without being short of breath.  Switch dr. Got contract on house. Sweat new inspection and appraisal. 

September. Still sicker. Surgery. Two days later, make a 14 hour trip to husband's family. Excruciating pain for me. Finally sign on house. Make 12 hour trip home. Sweat out two weeks for test results. No cancer. Find out how sick I was, surgery saved my life. Hemoglobin 6.9. Abnormal cells that need watched. Original problem was 12 week miscarriage. Grieving. Trying to make decision on fertility treatments. Still no deep relationships being developed. Husbands depression finally improved. 

Start October with a 3.5 week miscarriage. 

I'm sure I've missed some things along the way. It's been a lot. That's an under statement. I think it's a miracle we've survived this as well as we have.

I hate to quote a cheesy pop song, but it resonates deep within me. "I need your grace, to remind me to find my own." How very true that is. I hope people will show me grace during this time and I hope I can remember to do the same. I hope I can offer myself some grace too, understanding that the past nine months would have broken even the strongest person.