Rainy Days

As I sit here watching the rain fall, I take in the fresh air and listen to my stomach growl. The fresh air reminds me I'm alive and my stomach reminds me of life right now.

Despite the growls, I'm not hungry. Since getting so sick, I've struggled to have an appetite. I weigh myself often, that's how I've kept myself health conscious the past year. A year ago, I was at my heaviest weight ever. I had lost about 25 lbs before the move. Gained some back. Then started to lose again. Over the past month, I've lost an additional 20 lbs, bringing me to close to 50 lbs in a year.

My body really is getting healthier. I'm finally recovering from being sick. My body temp and heart rate have stabilized. Getting tired doesn't happen often. I can't push very far on physical exercise yet and I still get cold in the evenings. But this is much improved.

I'm not sure why, but my empty stomach reminds me of another emptiness in my life. I'm alone here. Still.

I've said it before, but it's true...I'm an outsider here.

Sure, I can have conversations with just about anyone. I've met a lot of people. The people are nice.

It has been hard to find where I fit in social circles. Those groups are established and full. There isn't room for additions.

Please understand, I'm not picking on the church we are attending or any particular church with what I'm about to say. This is true of all churches. They are cliquish.

Separated by life stage, you can see the groups of the church as they often congregate together before and after service or during events. They might cross lines for a momentary conversation with another, but rarely to speak to anyone not already in another clique.

You can see the people who are new or haven't been welcomed into any group. They sit on the edges and look alone. They might have one or two people engage with them, but they often sit there watching the masses who know each other mingle.

I know that, because I am one of them.

It's hard. Trying to make a place for yourself with women is hard.

At our first church, it took me about 4-5 years to finally find my place and feel like I belong. I could see it taking that long or longer here too. But the sad reality is that church is the only place here for me to develop relationships.

We live in the country. Everyone keeps to themselves. I don't have anything in common with most of the women I have met. Besides a few handicapped people who are unable to communicate at the library, I really don't come into contact with anyone.

We did have a women's bible study at church and that was good. However, it was just cancelled. The person teaching needed a break and nobody else teaches.

I'm not really sure what to do. I've tried. I've invited women to coffee, over for lunch, etc. and only one has taken me up on the offer. We go to every opportunity we have at the church. We've been there more Sunday's than probably most people. I've tried to engage people.

I think this one is going to be out of my hands. I desperately want friends here, but I'm not sure deep relationships will ever happen.

It sucks to feel so alone. It's made all of the past few months harder. When I had surgery, I had my husband. I feel like I missed out on being cared for because there was nobody here to do that. I mean who really wants to eat hot dogs after surgery, my husband's go to when I'm sick.

I'm squeezing this into my prayers too. I often pray that I never become this way. I ask God to always remind me how difficult relationship building has been in established churches so I never become complacent and forget about the ladies sitting around the edges wanting to be welcomed.