Not My Forever

That's right, the blog's name.

In 2007, I walked right into counseling and was immediately in a dark place. The thing the counselor told me then and continued to tell me was that this was not my forever.

It didn't seem that way. I never thought I'd get out of that whole. I had to be told 100s of times and I'm still not sure I ever believed it. Until now.

If you know even the slightest bit of my past, you know it's a rough story. It reads like a Stephan King novel. If you've never walked with me through any of the part 7 years, there's a high probability that you wouldn't believe it.

My written testimony that I share is such a small portion. Teeny tiny. It doesn't include being raised in a satanic home, having dozens of abusers in and out of the family, the mess my past made of my marriage, drug and alcohol abuse or the graphic details of a tortured life that is my reality.

My psychologist once told me he was amazed I was sitting in his office. To help put things in perspective for me, he shared that my case was in his top two of complexity. He's seen 100s and 100s of patients in his 25+ years of practice. That's a perspective that won't let you minimize what you've survived.

The reason it was amazing is because statistically, I don't fit the mold. I should have been through one self inflicted trial after another with drugs, alcohol, jail, hospitals, marriages. Being married for 16 years with no vices was miraculous to him. I don't even put caffeine in my body.

I'm sitting here today, 7 short years after walking into church the first time as proof that God didn't want my past to be my forever. He didn't want the dark put to be my forever. He had better planned.

My past doesn't define me, but it is a part of who I am. If it defined me, I would be caught in that hopeless trap that the psychologist described.

Instead, it's strengthened who I am.

I am tough. No kidding, I have a high pain tolerance.

It's made me compassionate.

Even though I buckle at times, I can withstand a lot of emotional pain. I'm not easily angered and I don't hold grudges.

It's made me keep priorities in check. When you grow up like I did, you don't whine about meaningless things.

The list goes on.

I never believed this day would come. The day I was able to sit and soak in the glory of God and all He has shown me. All that He has done to make me see that was not my forever.

That day came a while back, but I often am in awe.

Abused, beaten, tortured, left for dead, mentally unstable, loneliness and deep depression. None of it was my forever. It wa my temporary while God restored and redeemed and grew me up.