Identity

There are two things going on right now, completely different, but both tied to finding out true identity in Christ.

The first is walking with my husband through his depression. His depression is partially chemical, partially low self esteem.

My husband group up in a Christian home with living parents. On the surface, his family was picture perfect.

Even an average family with above average stability can still be dysfunctional. His mom was overly legalistic and created a warped view of what it took to please God and thereby please her. His dad was distant and failed to express love or nurture the children in healthy ways.

Those things left my husband with a jacked up idea that he was and never could be good enough for anyone. Whether it is at work, church, home, or in general social settings, he shyly steps to the back and takes a seat beneath all others because that is where he feels he belongs.

He doesn't see himself how I see him or others see him or even how God sees him.

My husband is a kind, loving, fiercely protective, absolutely loyal person. He does nothing halfway and works with a standard of ethics that most people never learn. He's a good guy who'd do anything for anybody.

Most people don't know that about him because he comes across as unapproachable and aloof. He's not. He's just that introverted and sees himself with little value, definitely not worth anyone's time.

As you can imagine, this has made our move harder. I can't lie, it's been hard on our marriage. When someone struggles to see value within themselves, they don't find value in those around them. They can also be quite insufferable.

I've prayed and talked with him and prayed more. I love this man and want nothing more than for him to find his identity in Christ. I want him to see his value in the kingdom, the love that is freely given by God. I want him to know the truth about himself and replace those old thoughts.

the truth that Jesus died for us is an overwhelming truth. Sometimes we get so caught in self centered thinking, that we forget that truth is for everyone. Jesus died for me, you, my husband. I'm constantly having to remind myself and say to my husband that God loves him far more than I ever could.

Walking through this with him in concentrated ways over the past year, I've had to really consider my own life and my own identity.

I want him to know when I say something that I'm doing my best to live in that truth as well. The truth is that I struggle too.

I don't get caught up in what others think about me. I honestly don't care if someone thinks one weird or stupid. I don't care if I have wrinkles or use the wrong word.

However, if you ask me how I think people see me or how I see myself, you'd find that I have a pretty warped view of myself.

My dad always said that I would play sports, weigh over 350 lbs, talk like a man, be uglier than a barn door, be dumber than a box of hammers, never get married and be a lesbian.

Well, friends, let me tell you....none of that is true. Since my dad did permanent damage to my back, sports are out. I've never weighed 350 lbs, not even close. I don't sound like a man. In fact, I get mistaken for a child on the phone and have singing voice that can range from alto to soprano. I'm definitely not a lesbian. Despite my lack of femininity, I'm not the least bit attracted to women. As far as the ugly, eh, he might be right on that. Although I don't know that people run at the sight of me. I have an IQ of over 180. I've been with the same man for over 20 years.

None of his predictions were accurate.

Now let me tell you exactly how I think people see me and I see myself. It's a condensed version of what my dad said. When you look at me, I believe you see a screwed up woman who is fat, ugly and stupid. I don't believe that I am worthy of your time and doubt I could ever change your mind about me.

Sad, but true. Over 30 years of this being truth means that I still fight this same battle. I don't deal with depression and am fairly stable. It's just a truth for me. It's truth because my experiences lean more toward that than Gods truth.

That sad reality convicts my heart even more that I need to constantly repeat truth to my husband and hope some of it penetrates my heart.

In a similar way, I feel satan working over time to attack me right now. As I move forward with school, those old messages and low self esteem threaten to settle deep into my bones at each step. I constantly fight those times when I don't believe I can do this.

Let's get something straight, the decision to go to school wasn't mine. It was God directed. I fought it, denied it.

I know God will equip me with everything I need to do what He has called me to do. However, that doesn't mean that satan isn't going to try to bring me down in the process. He sneaks into those areas of weakness, those places where I don't firmly stand with Christ. He bites at those areas where I struggle to see my identity in Christ.

So here we are, constantly praying. Praying that God will sustain us as we learn who we are in Christ. While we learn to accept grace and fully live as children of the King.